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“The person who constantly angers you or frustrates you…controls you.”
Colleen Kettenhofen

Do you know any difficult people? Have you ever worked or lived with a difficult person?
Are YOU a difficult person?! It’s amazing how many participants in my leadership trainings will
come up to me at the end of a program on, “Dealing with Difficult People,” or “Dealing with
Difficult Employees,” and confide to me, “Colleen, I think sometimes I’m a difficult person and just
realized it today!” Well, we can all be difficult people from time to time. But what do you do with
the person who is chronically difficult? A key component to life balance is learning to live and
work with difficult people. Because there will always be difficult people. Here are three important
points you must remember.

1) All behavior has a positive intention - even with difficult people.

2) Low self-esteem is often the culprit.

3) You can’t always please everybody.

1) All behavior has a positive intention. Take for example the gossip. When someone comes into
your office gossiping about everyone else, who are they trying to make look better? Themselves.
That is their positive intention. As a matter of fact, while you are reading this article, what do you
think the difficult people/gossips are doing in your office or somewhere else? Gossiping about
YOU! Just kidding. Sort of.

I don’t think gossips realize that when they gossip to you about everyone else, you are probably
thinking, “I wonder what they say about ME when I’m not around?” Remember, they have a
positive intention. Sick as it may sound, they are trying to make themselves look better.

What about whiners and complainers? If someone comes to you complaining and whining about
how much work they have to do, or how overloaded they are, what are they looking for? They’re
looking for empathy and sympathy. That’s their positive intention. We all have times when we’re
overloaded and feeling overwhelmed. But I’m talking about the real whiners and complainers.
Those “emotional vampires” because they just suck the life out of you.

What about snipers? Believe it or not, even they have a positive intention. They are the difficult
people who throw little “digs” your way, rattling your cage and ruffling your feathers. What’s their
positive intention? To make themselves look better. They think that by cutting you down,
especially in front of others, that they’ll look better. For example, in an open work area, a sniper
might walk by and within earshot of others say to you, “Well, there goes Shelly, on her 100th
personal phone call of the day!” And, you weren’t even on a personal phone call!

Often, these snipers are the difficult people who after cutting you down and insulting you, will say, “Oh, you have no sense of humor.” They’re trying to put it all back on you. Really though it’s about them and their own insecurities. Keep that in mind when dealing with difficult people.

2) A root cause of why people are difficult is often self-esteem. A lot has been written and talked about regarding self-esteem and self-confidence. It almost seems a bit ridiculous quite frankly. For example, every child on a team winning a trophy even though they were on the LOSING team. All in the name of “self-esteem.”

And yet, a lot of difficult people do suffer from low self-esteem. Not always, but often. Only one
out of every three American adults has high self-esteem, and we’re a pretty positive culture. But
only one out of three adults really has high self-esteem. Some of you may be thinking, “Well, I
know it’s definitely not me!” That’s okay. It’s something you can work on. The point is, that with
difficult people it’s not necessarily about you. You aren’t the problem. It’s about THEM. They’re
the difficult person.

Low self-esteem often has its roots in childhood. For example, a child being teased in school by
fellow classmates can result in one having a low opinion of themselves. You all know kids can be
cruel. Sometimes it’s something a teacher said or that a parent said, or being compared to Super
Parent or a superstar sibling. Any number of things can cause low self-esteem. You don’t always
know what’s going on with someone else and why they’re acting the way they do.

For example, years ago I taught the Evelyn Wood Reading Dynamics program. Presidents of
companies, executive V.P.’s and salespeople, many of whom were seemingly confident, would
quietly confide in me before class that they were nervous about taking the course. Why? Well,
the more I talked with them, the more I’d find out how many of them were dyslexic way before we
knew what dyslexia was. Talk about something that could wreak havoc on your self-esteem!
Nowadays, we know that people with dyslexia are often VERY bright and usually have above
average intelligence! Back then, however, these things were not known. So, you never know
what’s going on with someone else and why they’re being difficult.

Sometimes you can do all the right things and nothing works because they’re a difficult person
who doesn’t want to change. Or, they haven’t been held accountable for needing to change. So
remember, focus on the part you can control - you. And keep in mind these three things: 1) All
behavior has a positive intention. 2) Low self-esteem might be the reason they’re difficult people.

3) You’re not always going to please everybody.

3) No, you’re not always going to please everyone. Sometimes, for whatever reason, you may not
like somebody, or they’re not going to like you. You won’t always please everybody so get rid of
the notion that you will. People pleasers you know who you are! We can’t always worry about
what everyone else thinks of us. I think we realize that more and more the older we get.

As a matter of fact, Dr. Daniel Amen has what he calls the 18-40-60 rule. The 18-40-60 rule is:
When you’re 18 years old, you worry about what everyone is thinking of you. When you’re 40, you
don’t care anymore what everyone thinks of you. And when you’re 60, you realize nobody’s been
thinking about you at all! How true is that?! The older we get we realize “everybody” isn’t thinking
about us. They’re caught up in their own stuff.

Don’t be one of those people who tends to dwell. For example, have you ever been in a situation
where a week after your encounter with the difficult person you’re still stewing about them? And
thinking about them? Thinking about what you “should have said?” You know what? The person
who constantly angers you and frustrates you…controls you.

What I recommend you do, especially if you work with a difficult person, is keep a pad of paper
along with a pen in your car. Anytime you’re afraid you’re going to say something you’d regret,
especially if you’re a manager or supervisor, go out to your car during a break. I realize many of
you are so busy you don’t even know what a break is anymore! Seriously, though, write down
everything you’d like to say, that you never could say. When you arrive home, tear up what you
wrote or burn it. Throw it away. It’s a cathartic way of getting rid of some of those emotions.

Be careful, too, of the words you use. Avoid absolutes with the people you live and work around.
For example, don’t say, “You always” and “You never.” I guarantee it will only put that person
further on the defensive. I once role played with a gentleman in one of my leadership trainings,
and I said “John, you are always late. You never do the work around here.” He looked at me,
pointed and said, “You sound like my wife!” Everyone laughed. I think he was joking, but you get the point.

Even big name advertisers have to be careful that their words and slogans get translated properly
into other countries and languages. For example, it’s been said that Pepsi’s “Come alive with the
Pepsi generation,” translated into “Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave” in Chinese.
Frank Perdue’s chicken slogan, “It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken,” was translated
into Spanish as, “It takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate!”

In conducting leadership training around the world, especially when discussing dealing with
difficult people or difficult employees, I sometimes have my participants take the following pledge.
It’s one that adds humor but gets the message across. Here it is:

“On my honor, I promise, when dealing with a difficult person, that I will bite my tongue and count
to 10. Because if I don’t, I may say something that I will LIVE to regret!”

Colleen Kettenhofen is a speaker, workplace expert, and co-author of The Masters of Success, as featured on The Today Show, along with Ken Blanchard and Jack Canfield. To order the book or for more free articles and e-newsletter visit http://www.ColleenSpeaks.com Popular topics: leadership, management skills, dealing with difficult people, public speaking. Colleen is available for keynotes, breakout sessions and seminars by calling (971)212-2412 or emailing colleen@colleenspeaks.com

http://www.ColleenSpeaks.com

You are free to reprint or repost provided Colleen’s name, website and email are provided with the article.

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The gritty definition for the change called TRANSFORMATION suggests that life as you have known it has changed and will likely never be the same again.

Of the three faces of change, alteration/modification, swapping/replacing, and transformation, transformation is generally the most radical and therefore the most difficult to weather.

In planning transformative change, or when you sense its approach, begin to look for a spot of familiarity or residual normalcy. Start to take stock, recording your observations to help you manage them as the process unfolds. Make no sudden moves, considering your responses carefully, and finally, expect to be surprised, knowing that the unexpected can be around any corner and is surely the order of the day.

Here then are a few of the characteristics which can help you emerge victoriously from transforming change. Cultivating these characteristics increases your change hardiness. When all is said and done, you want to be standing when the dust clears. It has always been “change or be changed.” So let us begin.

1. Flexibility

One of the connotations of flexibility is elasticity. But better still and more valuable is suppleness. What a wonderful image.

A wrestling teammate of my son was the picture of supple. He was a risk taker whose positions were often precarious. But he was so supple, he would slither out of them repeatedly, a pleasure to watch. This same characteristic is useful when change seems to have you pinned.

The ability to completely relax, go loose in the face of the tidal wave of change, instead of tensing, will insure the suppleness to slither through the toughest elements of transformation. I am not advocating unnecessary risks, but a sense of adventure and fearlessness is helpful.

2. Willingness

Are you motivated? Whether the transformation is your idea or is being imposed on you, willingness will lessen the discomfort of the process.

Be prepared to view the situation through other eyes, purposely taking a new point of view. It may not alter your thinking about the change and its necessity, but it will adjust your perspective and that is healthy. You will develop valuable insight into the origin of the change you are dealing with and your future insights, pro and con, will be more valuable.

3. Vision

Those who have worked with me, in my classes, workshops or in private practice, know where I stand on Vision. It is stimulus and influence, the key to success in all areas of life.

The first step to everything is knowing what you are doing here in the first place, your Mission. Once clear on that, Visions are what shape lives, careers, entire futures and are the evidence of your life Mission. Without Vision, you meander aimlessly though life, dissatisfied at every turn. And without Vision, change of any kind will plow you under.

With Vision comes clarity, the understanding of your role in a given situation and the ability to focus your efforts and energies on the area that is specifically yours. From clarity of Vision comes on-target Goals to bring the Vision to fruition.

When you are clear, focused and motivated, change is not so daunting. Strong clear Vision births passion and ideates Goals. What more could you ask in the midst of transformative change?

4. Self-confidence

True self-confidence, not cockiness or brashness, is a valuable commodity whatever the challenge. A true understanding of your core value, your worth, will see you through the most traumatic types of change. It begins with self-esteem, that rare commodity in a society obsessed with self-improvement. I am definitely not against reasonable self-improvement, given a vision, a focus and a plan.

We are constantly beset by allegations that we cannot be worthy without whatever is currently for sale. Pick up any magazine and you are reminded on every page that your hair, clothes, skin, body shape, etc., do not measure up to some shifting standard set forth by those expects we call “they.”

Self-esteem does not migrate from the outside in, but comes from within. It is knowing you are valuable, worthwhile, whether your home is upgraded, whether your wardrobe, body and hair are currently in style, whether you drink designer or corner donut shop coffee. It is certainty at your core that you have a purpose, a job to do, and you are the best one to do it.

Assurance arises from that, security in your mind, freedom from self-doubt, and that brings you to the point of self-confidence. Know that you have something to offer that only you can offer and the world is waiting for you.

5. Resiliency

Resiliency might easily be confused with flexibility, but it has another dimension we need when facing radical transformation - durability, hardiness, the ability to come back strong no matter what.

The perennial comes to mind. In my garden I have a number of annuals, which grow quickly, bloom profusely and spread actively, providing that burst of instant garden we love. But they have no staying power, no durability. At the end of the hot summer, they are spent, ready to be yanked out of the garden. They are lovely while they last, but they are short-lived.

Ah, but the perennials, slower to grow, slower to bloom, often not profuse until several summers down the road, continue on year after year, putting down strong root systems and withstanding the toughest winters.

Showiness has its place, but the hardiness and ability to come back after the deep freeze and the driving snowstorm, now that’s something to possess.

6. Sense of adventure

A true sense of adventure involves a willingness to step out of your comfort zone, taking calculated risks and experiencing a certain enjoyment at the prospect of exploring the unknown. Children possess this characteristic and know how to bring it to almost every game. Somewhere along the way from childhood to adulthood, it is misplaced. If you don’t accept the risk, you will never successfully ride the change wave and may not even begin the process. Run it by your accountability partner, someone with a proven track record, someone you can trust,.

7. Fearlessness

If I haven’t tripped you yet, this may be the characteristic that does. Take a closer look and you will see fearlessness is the end result of cultivating the rest. Flexibility, willingness, self-confidence, hardy resiliency and childlike sense of adventure bundled together wear the tag of fearlessness. Fearlessness develops as the end result of courage, which is simply acting in the face of fear.

Cultivate these characteristics. You are not born with them, so you have as good a chance as anyone to learn them. Then go forth right into the raging wind of change, knowing that not only can you withstand the experience but you are equipped to add value in the process.

Copyright 2006 So-lu’shunz Leadership Services

Karin Syren, CTACC is a Strategic Planning Coach working with the versatile EffectivenessCoaching Model. She works with those who desire to gain greater leadership of their own lives, increasing personal and professional effectiveness by guiding them through the process of learning to live powerful and significant lives right now. If you want to discover what makes you unique and how to form your future around it, contact Karin at http://www.solushunz.net for information about the exciting and empowering Strategic Life Planning program.

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“I don’t get it. Why is my boss heading up my organization when there are much smarter people under him?’ a seminar participant asked recently. It was obvious to all of us that she was frustrated.

Since I didn’t know her boss, I couldn’t really answer, but if her boss is like many managers I’ve known, the answer is simple — self-confidence.

“Do you remember that girl in high school who really wasn’t that pretty, or even nice, but she was still popular?” I asked. “She had something about her that attracted others to her — self-confidence.”

“Instead of getting angry, maybe it’s time for you to take a page out of your boss’ book. After all, he must be doing something right,” I suggested.

I explained that someone who is confident is very attractive. And each of us has the power be self-confident. In fact, studies reveal that most of us secretly think we’re better than everyone else. We rate ourselves as more dependable, smarter, friendlier, harder-working, less-prejudiced, and even better in the sack than other people.

“Some might feel that way,” she retorted. “But I tend to be pretty hard on myself.”

Self-confidence is available to us all. All we have to do is borrow the same three strategies that people who appear to be confident use.

First, we have to know our strengths; we have to know where we shine. Friends’ feedback, past evaluations, and a variety of psychological instruments including the Myers-Briggs Indicator, The Birkman System, and the Enneagram can provide clues. I have found the book Now Discover Your Strengths by Marcus Buckingham and Donald O. Clifton, Ph.D., particularly helpful. (If you purchase the book, it will contain an identification number that allows you to take the StrengthsFinder profile on the Internet.)

Second, we have to claim our strengths, and sometimes that means “faking it till we make it.”

We claim our strengths by seeking opportunities to use them and then promote our successes. When I was in public relations, I worked with a man who was a wonderful pitch person. He was the first to volunteer to pitch a story to the media and wasn’t bashful about speaking about his successes.

There was a woman who worked at the agency who was also an excellent pitch person, and in my opinion she was much stronger than he. But because she didn’t claim her strengths she watched him fly up the corporate ladder before her.

I have seen this happen way too often to women in the workplace. Women can find it harder than men to promote themselves, and when they don’t, they do themselves a huge disservice.

Third, self-confident people fuel their confidence. All of us have days in which we doubt ourselves. I have worked with top CEOs and their self-confidence sometimes wanes too. Here are four tools I have used to help me when my self-esteem sags:

One: Create “a brag file.” Reserve a file for those cards, notes, letters, e-mails, etc., that tout your successes. When I am feeling a little down, I reach for my brag file. I have been doing this for twenty years, and I am happy to report that my brag file has gotten pretty thick over the years.

Two: Practice positive self-talk. When your inner critic rears its ugly head, tell him or her to shut up. Then remind him or her of your successes. There’s something about personalizing our inner critics that works. I have one client who calls her inner critic Sybil.

Three: Dress for success. Our appearance often reflects the way we feel about ourselves. Some mornings when my confidence is waning, I purposely reach for one of my power suits. My whole demeanor changes when I slip on that suit, and I feel better about myself.

Four: Make sure you have a strong support system. People either give us energy or rob of us energy. Take a minute to review who you spend your time with. Look closely at each person. Does he or she build up or tear down your self-esteem? Surround yourself with people who believe in you.

Confident people are magnets for success. Why not try these simple suggestions and watch your self-confidence soar.

“The Career Engineer” Randy Siegel works with organizations to take high-potential employees and give them the leadership and communications skills they need to be successful. Electrify your career by subscribing to his monthly e-Newsletter “Stand in Your Power!” at =>http://www.powerhousecommunications.com

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