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How would you like to have a closer relationship with your teen again?

Your ability to communicate effectively with your teen is one of the most precious skills you can develop to achieve this goal.

When we think of communication, we tend to think only of the way we can express ourselves. This is certainly important, but listening is the single most crucial of all communication skills.

As a mother of two teenage boys I know that
it isn’t always easy to communicate well with your teen.

It’s particularly frustrating when they aren’t talking to you. However, when I started applying these techniques to our lives, I found that we started getting along better almost immediately. There was less arguing between us, and our relationship became stronger.

1. Make Your Teen Your Focus

Give your teen your full attention. I know that this is a toughie, because we tend to be so busy. It seems like we are always multi-tasking. However, it is important in clear communicating that you make a point of stopping what you are doing and really listen to your teen (rather than just hearing them).

When you give your teen your undivided attention they will know that you care, because you took the time to listen, and it will increase the chances that they will listen to you.

2. Get the Details

Hear what your teen is really saying! Teens tend to give terse answers to questions, leaving out details that may be important. It’s
up to you to be able to get them to open up and draw them into a conversation.

Here is an example:

Teen: “I hate my teacher!”

Parent: “Oh, you don’t really mean that!”

Teen: “Yes, I do, I double hate him!”

Parent: “Well, I don’t want to hear that kind of talk. I am sure you don’t really hate him!”

Teen: “Yes, I do so, I hate all teachers!”

Parent: “Do you think hating your teachers is going to get you a good mark?”

And on and on the arguing goes….

Here’s an alternative:

Teen: “I hate my teacher!”

Parent: “Wow, you don’t normally hate anybody. What did he do to get you talking like that?”

Teen: “A couple of kids didn’t have their homework finished again today, so he decided to punish all of us by giving us a math test tomorrow!”

Parent: “That doesn’t sound very fair!”

Teen: “No, it isn’t fair at all. I wanted to go over to Rachel’s tonight to hang out and listen to music. Instead I have to study for that stupid test. I am so mad at my teacher! He ruins everything!”

Parent: just listening…….

This teen was able to express herself and felt validated by her parent.

You will notice that the parent didn’t argue about the feelings the teen had. You don’t have to agree with your teen’s feelings; just acknowledge them. There is no such thing as a wrong feeling. We can’t help what our teens may feel, however, we should set limits on behaviors that don’t satisfy what we consider appropriate behavior.

Expressing one’s feelings is a healthy thing; although negative expressions of one’s feelings should be avoided; like screaming or name calling. A good way to avoid this is using ‘time outs’ - wait and continue the conversation when everybody has calmed down.

3. Open-Ended Questions

Questions can be crucial to communicating with your teen. Ask them questions that they can’t just answer with a “yes” or a “no”.

For example in the above scenario the parent could ask the teen, “What could you do to help your teacher change his mind about the test?”
Teen: “I am not sure - this guy is so stubborn!”
Parent: “If you talked to him and came up with better ways for him to deal with the kids that aren’t doing their homework?”
Teen: “Mmhhh, maybe I could give it a try….?”

4. Criticize Behaviors, Not Your Teen

Now, let’s move from the listening to the talking part of communication.
When you want to see a change in your teen’s behavior, use the “when you…I feel…because…I need …” sentence. Using this wording (known as ” I ” message) doesn’t attack your teen’s personality; it merely talks about their action and that you’d like it changed and why.

Here is a scenario you might relate to: The chores haven’t been done and your teen went out instead. This example shows not the best way of communicating by attacking them as a person and making statements you may not stick to anyways.

Parent: “You didn’t do your chores! You are such a lazy slob! You never do your chores and I always have to do them for you. Next time you don’t do them I am going to ground you for a week!
Teen: feeling pretty lousy…

Now here is an example with using the: when you…I feel…because…I need - technique:

Parent: “When you didn’t do your chores before going out, I felt really mad. We had an agreement about chores being done before going out and I need you to do
your part of the chores or I am stuck doing them for you.”
Teen: thinking - “I guess that makes sense.”

Remember when you start a sentence with
“You are such and such”, you aren’t
communicating. You are criticizing!

5. Let the Consequence Fit the Action

A fairly big problem that parents run into is looking for suitable punishment for broken rules. However, the penalty applied usually isn’t related to the teen’s action. As parents, we need to show our teens that each choice they make has consequences.

Parents tend to punish their teens by taking away something the adolescent enjoys; for example, no TV for a week. Take the above example of the unwashed laundry. It would be more beneficial to the development of your teen if you base the penalty on a natural connection between his action and the punishment. A good way of showing the consequences to his action in this instance would be having your teen do your chores as well as his next time, since you had to do his this time. When following this step you are practicing “silent communication” with your teen. Letting your teen experience the natural consequence of his actions speaks louder than any words ever would!
It illustrates to them that they will be held accountable for what they do.

As they grow teens tend to get more privileges from parents. It is important for them to realize that with the extra freedom there is more responsibility that goes along with it.

6. Using Descriptive Praise

We all praise our teen sometimes. We tell them “You are a smart kid” or “You are a good piano player” etc. We mean well, but unfortunately this kind of praise doesn’t get the desired effect of making your teen feel good about himself. Why is that? It is because what we are doing is evaluating their actions. With this type of praise, we
aren’t giving evidence to support our claims, and this makes the praise fall flat, and seem empty and unconvincing.

We need to describe in detail what they are
doing and as your teen recognizes the truth in your words they can then evaluate his actions and credit themselves.

Here is an example (evaluating praise):

Teen: “Hey Ma, I got a 90 on my geometry test!”

Parent: “Fantastic! You are a genius!”

Teen: thinking - “I wish. I only got it ’cause Paul helped me study. He is the genius.”

Descriptive praise:

Teen: “Hey Ma, I got a 90 on my geometry test!”

Parent: “You must be so pleased. You did a lot of studying for that test!”

Teen: thinking - “I can really do geometry when I work at it!”

Describing your teen’s action rather then
evaluating them with an easy “good” or “great” or labeling like “slow learner” or “scatterbrain” isn’t easy to do at first, because we are all unaccustomed to doing it. However, once you get into the habit of looking carefully at your teen’s action and putting it into words what you see, you will do it more and more easily and with growing pleasure.

Adolescents need the kind of emotional
nourishment that will help them become
independent, creative thinkers and doers, so
they aren’t looking to others for approval all
the time. With this sort of praise, teens will trust themselves and they won’t need everybody else’s opinion to tell them how they are doing.

Another challenging problem is when and how we criticize our teens. Instead of pointing out what’s wrong with your teen’s actions, try describing what is right and then what still needs doing.

Example: Teen hasn’t done his laundry yet.

Parent: “How is the laundry coming?

Teen: “I am working on it.”

Parent: “I see that you picked up your clothes in your room and in the family room and put it in the hamper. You are half way there.”

This parent talks with encouragement, acknowledging what has been done so far rather then pointing out what hasn’t been done yet.

“Parents need to fill a child’s bucket of self-esteem so high that the rest of the world can’t poke enough holes in it to drain it dry.”

- Alvin Price

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For more helpful information and examples on good communication with your child I highly recommend the book by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish called: How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen So They Will Talk,
Publisher: Harper, ISBN:0380811960.

Also, in the Fall 2005 a new teen version of the book is scheduled to be published -
“How to Talk so Teens Will Listen” -
ISBN: 0060741252.
Keep your eye out for it!

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We are used to think that communication is between people, that we need to communicate to express our feelings, our ideas, to create bonds, good feelings, harmony,and we all know that good communication is key in relationships, whether this being with partner, friends, family, neighbours, business,…

In absolutely everything good communication is the key to success.

But have you ever thought that you need to have good communication with yourself as well? And that good communication with yourself determines your happiness and bad communication with yourself determines your unhappiness?

Yes, because we can have all the money in the world, and houses and cars and goods and relationships, but if we do not have good communication with ourselves we may be very unhappy and also not able to appreciate and be thankful for all we have.

So, how can we achieve good communication with ourselves?

First of all, you need to welcome yourself for who you are: you are a wonder, wonderfully made, unique in richness, gifts and talents.

You need to be yourself and not try to be someone you are not, it would create inner discomfort.

Then, how do you talk to yourself?

You might say: “I do not talk to myself, I talk to people!” Yes, well, but what are you thinking and telling yourself in your head?

Do you beat yourself up?

I believe 99% of the population has obtained a PHD in “Beating ourselves up”!

Ok, so how about first of all stop doing it, start finding good things in you, take responsibility for all your weakness and do something to change them, simply?

How about starting by asking yourself:

Do I accept, or better, welcome myself?

Am I appreciating who I am?

Am I respecting myself?

Do I love myself?

Do I support myself?

And very important,

Am I thanking myself for all that I have done and overcome and achieved and simply for being alive and taking care of myself?

Do you know that the quality of your life depends literally on how you communicate with yourself?

You can literally make yourself happy or depressed.

It is about your thoughts about yourself, what you expect and the meaning you give to events, other people, and situations.

Your happiness in fact depends also on the meaning you give to events, situation, people, because you can choose a meaning that empowers you or one that disempowers you. What goes on in your head really determines your happiness or unhappiness. We have such a power.

How about if next time that you find yourself thinking about an event you choose to expect the best?

And how about next time that you have a discussion with your partner you choose to give an empowering meaning, maybe reframing the situation, maybe asking yourself if you need to know more information before getting a little annoyed?

How about deciding that from this very moment on you are going to make yourself happy?

And how about deciding that from this very moment on you are going to make yourself FEEL GOOD, REALLY GOOD?

Remember you can choose your thoughts at every moment, choose empowering ones!

Piercarla Garusi is a Life Coach & NLP Practitioner and Director of PG Coaching Ltd. She helps professionals, expatriates, charities, improve dramatically the quality of their lives and create extraordinary lives. She is also running a coaching programme to help people overcome their social anxiety. For free coaching mini-courses- Unleash Your Potential: Become Who You Really Are! and Be Your Own Life Coach!, as well as free newsletters, please visit: http://www.pgcoaching.co.uk Contacts: +44 020 8995 0264, info@pgcoaching.co.uk.

PG Coaching Ltd©
Our mission is to help each person discover and be the extraordinary person they are, empower them to be free from anything that is preventing them to be the best they can be, achieve an outstanding quality of life and wellbeing, create the extraordinary life they want and live everyday with passion.

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When communication goes awry, as it sometimes will, we usually blame the listener, because we perceive the listener has the major responsibility in making sure the message is understood. In reality, communication is a 100% responsibility by both the listener and the speaker.

If you, as the speaker want to make sure your message is understood, you need to take full responsibility for using the tools of effective communication.

The four tools for effective communication are:

Establish a Frame of Reference

Ask clarifying questions

Paraphrasing

Listening for the words behind the words (understanding feelings)

Therefore, as the speaker check with your listener to verify that your Frame of Reference is understood. Invite your listener to ask clarifying questions (i.e. When? Where? How? What? Who?). Ask your listener to paraphrase back what he/she has understood you to say. Taking responsibility for your feelings and conveying them with the message will make your communications more meaningful and rewarding. It is also helpful to convey your feelings by using “I” statements. For example: I feel _______when__________. This takes the burden off the listener in reading non-verbal messages. Whether you are the speaker or the listener, it is your responsibility to use the communication tools conscientiously, if the message is important to you.

Communication is a more complicated medium than we perceive it to be. Whether listening, reading, speaking, or writing, we have selective listening (reception) and selective speaking (transmission) processes operating at all times. As you read this article, you are selectively hearing my message and I am selectively sending it based on past experience, needs values, images and the language I use. These can all become barriers to effective communication.

As you listen, you filter information in or out based on your evaluation of what you are hearing and your determination if it has value. “Do I need this? Will it give me what I want? Is it important?” If the answers to these questions are “Yes,” you will make more effort to be sure you have understood. If the answers are “No,” You won’t take as much time and effort. Since these questions are usually asked on an unconscious level, you may often allow past experiences to determine what you listen to in the here and now.

As a speaker, you ask, “Is it important to have my message understood? What will I gain if the listener understands?” The greater your need to have your message understood, the more time you will spend making sure you are heard.

The value you put on the information being conveyed also has a great deal to do with how well you communicate. As a listener, the value you place on the speaker’s information will determine how conscientiously you use good listening skills. If you don’t agree with the basic premise or if you believe it isn’t important, you may begin to evaluate the message before the speaker has finished speaking. You may then begin to daydream or mentally formulate a rebuttal.

As a speaker, the greater the value you put on the information the more time and effort you will spend conveying it. If you want your message to be understood, it is important for you to determine what is of value to the listener and deliver the message based on the listener’s values. When listeners are aware that you place importance on their values, they are usually willing to hear the significance of your message on a cognitive and affective level.

The image that you, as a listener, have of the speaker also determines the level of attention you will give him/her. If you image is one of respect, acceptance, or understanding, you will be more conscientious about making sure the message is heard. If the image is a judgmental oneDoes he know what he is talking about? She/he doesn’t have a PhD, how can she/he know enough to teach me?you will not spend adequate time using effective communication skills.

The same is true if you are the speaker. If your image of the listener is one of respect, understanding, or acceptance, you will spend time making sure the message has been understood. If you lack the self-image and self confidence necessary to convey your message to doctors, lawyer’s or some other group with whom you may feel inadequate, you will fail to use the communication skills and will not communicate in depth or adequately.
These barriers are in operation constantly on the part of both listener and speaker. In order for effective communication to take place, these barriers need to be checked out. If the listener has an unfavorable image of the speaker, the speaker needs to address that issue and resolve it. The speaker can change a perception someone has by clarifying a misunderstood action or reaction and by sending the message in a way that will meet the needs of the listener.

The language you use to convey your message is important, too. Any information can be conveyed in an infinite number of ways. As the speaker, you need to use words the listener will understand. Jargon can be a problem; therefore, avoid using professional argot, regionalisms and ethnocentrisms. You run the risk of losing the listener’s interest. If you are the listener and do not understand the words being used, ask the speaker to explain.

Dorothy M. Neddermeyer, PhD, Author, Life Coach and International Speaker. As an inspirational leader, Dr. Neddermeyer empowers people to view life’s challenges as an opportunity for Personal/Professional Growth and Spiritual Awakening. http://www.drdorothy.net

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