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How would you like to have a closer relationship with your teen again?

Your ability to communicate effectively with your teen is one of the most precious skills you can develop to achieve this goal.

When we think of communication, we tend to think only of the way we can express ourselves. This is certainly important, but listening is the single most crucial of all communication skills.

As a mother of two teenage boys I know that
it isn’t always easy to communicate well with your teen.

It’s particularly frustrating when they aren’t talking to you. However, when I started applying these techniques to our lives, I found that we started getting along better almost immediately. There was less arguing between us, and our relationship became stronger.

1. Make Your Teen Your Focus

Give your teen your full attention. I know that this is a toughie, because we tend to be so busy. It seems like we are always multi-tasking. However, it is important in clear communicating that you make a point of stopping what you are doing and really listen to your teen (rather than just hearing them).

When you give your teen your undivided attention they will know that you care, because you took the time to listen, and it will increase the chances that they will listen to you.

2. Get the Details

Hear what your teen is really saying! Teens tend to give terse answers to questions, leaving out details that may be important. It’s
up to you to be able to get them to open up and draw them into a conversation.

Here is an example:

Teen: “I hate my teacher!”

Parent: “Oh, you don’t really mean that!”

Teen: “Yes, I do, I double hate him!”

Parent: “Well, I don’t want to hear that kind of talk. I am sure you don’t really hate him!”

Teen: “Yes, I do so, I hate all teachers!”

Parent: “Do you think hating your teachers is going to get you a good mark?”

And on and on the arguing goes….

Here’s an alternative:

Teen: “I hate my teacher!”

Parent: “Wow, you don’t normally hate anybody. What did he do to get you talking like that?”

Teen: “A couple of kids didn’t have their homework finished again today, so he decided to punish all of us by giving us a math test tomorrow!”

Parent: “That doesn’t sound very fair!”

Teen: “No, it isn’t fair at all. I wanted to go over to Rachel’s tonight to hang out and listen to music. Instead I have to study for that stupid test. I am so mad at my teacher! He ruins everything!”

Parent: just listening…….

This teen was able to express herself and felt validated by her parent.

You will notice that the parent didn’t argue about the feelings the teen had. You don’t have to agree with your teen’s feelings; just acknowledge them. There is no such thing as a wrong feeling. We can’t help what our teens may feel, however, we should set limits on behaviors that don’t satisfy what we consider appropriate behavior.

Expressing one’s feelings is a healthy thing; although negative expressions of one’s feelings should be avoided; like screaming or name calling. A good way to avoid this is using ‘time outs’ - wait and continue the conversation when everybody has calmed down.

3. Open-Ended Questions

Questions can be crucial to communicating with your teen. Ask them questions that they can’t just answer with a “yes” or a “no”.

For example in the above scenario the parent could ask the teen, “What could you do to help your teacher change his mind about the test?”
Teen: “I am not sure - this guy is so stubborn!”
Parent: “If you talked to him and came up with better ways for him to deal with the kids that aren’t doing their homework?”
Teen: “Mmhhh, maybe I could give it a try….?”

4. Criticize Behaviors, Not Your Teen

Now, let’s move from the listening to the talking part of communication.
When you want to see a change in your teen’s behavior, use the “when you…I feel…because…I need …” sentence. Using this wording (known as ” I ” message) doesn’t attack your teen’s personality; it merely talks about their action and that you’d like it changed and why.

Here is a scenario you might relate to: The chores haven’t been done and your teen went out instead. This example shows not the best way of communicating by attacking them as a person and making statements you may not stick to anyways.

Parent: “You didn’t do your chores! You are such a lazy slob! You never do your chores and I always have to do them for you. Next time you don’t do them I am going to ground you for a week!
Teen: feeling pretty lousy…

Now here is an example with using the: when you…I feel…because…I need - technique:

Parent: “When you didn’t do your chores before going out, I felt really mad. We had an agreement about chores being done before going out and I need you to do
your part of the chores or I am stuck doing them for you.”
Teen: thinking - “I guess that makes sense.”

Remember when you start a sentence with
“You are such and such”, you aren’t
communicating. You are criticizing!

5. Let the Consequence Fit the Action

A fairly big problem that parents run into is looking for suitable punishment for broken rules. However, the penalty applied usually isn’t related to the teen’s action. As parents, we need to show our teens that each choice they make has consequences.

Parents tend to punish their teens by taking away something the adolescent enjoys; for example, no TV for a week. Take the above example of the unwashed laundry. It would be more beneficial to the development of your teen if you base the penalty on a natural connection between his action and the punishment. A good way of showing the consequences to his action in this instance would be having your teen do your chores as well as his next time, since you had to do his this time. When following this step you are practicing “silent communication” with your teen. Letting your teen experience the natural consequence of his actions speaks louder than any words ever would!
It illustrates to them that they will be held accountable for what they do.

As they grow teens tend to get more privileges from parents. It is important for them to realize that with the extra freedom there is more responsibility that goes along with it.

6. Using Descriptive Praise

We all praise our teen sometimes. We tell them “You are a smart kid” or “You are a good piano player” etc. We mean well, but unfortunately this kind of praise doesn’t get the desired effect of making your teen feel good about himself. Why is that? It is because what we are doing is evaluating their actions. With this type of praise, we
aren’t giving evidence to support our claims, and this makes the praise fall flat, and seem empty and unconvincing.

We need to describe in detail what they are
doing and as your teen recognizes the truth in your words they can then evaluate his actions and credit themselves.

Here is an example (evaluating praise):

Teen: “Hey Ma, I got a 90 on my geometry test!”

Parent: “Fantastic! You are a genius!”

Teen: thinking - “I wish. I only got it ’cause Paul helped me study. He is the genius.”

Descriptive praise:

Teen: “Hey Ma, I got a 90 on my geometry test!”

Parent: “You must be so pleased. You did a lot of studying for that test!”

Teen: thinking - “I can really do geometry when I work at it!”

Describing your teen’s action rather then
evaluating them with an easy “good” or “great” or labeling like “slow learner” or “scatterbrain” isn’t easy to do at first, because we are all unaccustomed to doing it. However, once you get into the habit of looking carefully at your teen’s action and putting it into words what you see, you will do it more and more easily and with growing pleasure.

Adolescents need the kind of emotional
nourishment that will help them become
independent, creative thinkers and doers, so
they aren’t looking to others for approval all
the time. With this sort of praise, teens will trust themselves and they won’t need everybody else’s opinion to tell them how they are doing.

Another challenging problem is when and how we criticize our teens. Instead of pointing out what’s wrong with your teen’s actions, try describing what is right and then what still needs doing.

Example: Teen hasn’t done his laundry yet.

Parent: “How is the laundry coming?

Teen: “I am working on it.”

Parent: “I see that you picked up your clothes in your room and in the family room and put it in the hamper. You are half way there.”

This parent talks with encouragement, acknowledging what has been done so far rather then pointing out what hasn’t been done yet.

“Parents need to fill a child’s bucket of self-esteem so high that the rest of the world can’t poke enough holes in it to drain it dry.”

- Alvin Price

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For more helpful information and examples on good communication with your child I highly recommend the book by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish called: How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen So They Will Talk,
Publisher: Harper, ISBN:0380811960.

Also, in the Fall 2005 a new teen version of the book is scheduled to be published -
“How to Talk so Teens Will Listen” -
ISBN: 0060741252.
Keep your eye out for it!

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Self-esteem enhances performance in every area of life. It is an abundant supply of positive self-regard and recognition of the Creator’s unique gifts to you. It is a favorable opinion of self without feeling the need to prove your worth.

Encouragement given to others is a great catalyst for their achievement, and it is the same for you. When you encourage yourself, you feel more decisive. You are able to tap your potential more quickly.

Here are five important principles to remember about self-esteem:

1. Those with high self-esteem take complete responsibility for what happens in their lives. Instead
of wasting time finding fault, they look for ways to change themselves to create new circumstances.

2. Self-esteem does not need outward approval. It is sufficient in and of itself.The individual will accept
other’s approval with gratitude, but intuitively knows when he or she has done well.

3. Self-esteem sees from a perspective of abundance, not scarcity. It carries the confidence to ask for and accept with gratitude a limitless supply of God’s love and goodness.

4. Self-esteem is filled with faith and forgiveness. The person believes that they can have the life they
desire. They trust their creative ability enough to reach for their dreams. They forgive themselves when
missing the mark, and continue toward their objectives with tenacity and resolve.

5. Building high self-esteem after feeling low self-esteem is a process. It is helpful to spend time each
day focusing on things done well. Record each of your successes. Congratulate yourself for the smallest
victories.

Take a few moments each day to focus on and reinforce your strengths and potential. You’ll be pleased with what you discover.

Wishing you blessings and success,

Steve Brunkhorst

© Copyright by Steve Brunkhorst. All rights reserved worldwide. Reprinted from Achieve! 60-Second Nuggets of Inspiration bringing great stories, motivational nuggets, and inspiring thoughts to help you achieve more in your personal life and career. Get the next issue by visiting http://www.AchieveEzine.com

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What’s in a Name?

“There are no b!#$%s in this class.” The words caught the attention of the loud and chaotic mass of students before me. As they were going through their morning exercises–making fun of each other by using every objectionable name imaginable–I slowly spelled out the new ground rules. “There are no n!##%&s, ho’s or m@%#*!*%&?s…” The middle schoolers settled, astonishment beaming from their widening eyes. Their jaws slacked when I had them repeat the vulgarity-laced phrases on the board. I explained that everyone would be called by their preferred name and that they would start by addressing me as Mr. David or Mr. Cole.

“Why?” they asked, woefully unaware of the harm they routinely inflicted.

“Because, name is nature, and respect is due a dog” was my deliberately cryptic reply.

I was raised not to call people “out of their name”. My grandmother named me David, after the great Hebrew patriarch. She taught me that my name meant ‘beloved’ and not to let folks shorten or alter it. “Dave did not slay Goliath”, she admonished. “Nor was Dave king of Israel.” She explained names often carried the weight of expectation. What you called others was as important as anything else you could say to them was her belief. More vital, though, was what we allowed others to call us. Hence, my edict.

It was bumpy at first, but eventually something remarkable happened to this class of rough talking, tougher acting adolescents. Increasingly, outbursts like, “@!#$%, don’t look at me,” were being met with a growing chorus of, “there are no @#$%s in this class!” Conflicts decreased; while smiles and learning flourished. The kids even learned to tolerate my lectures. Surely my grandmother was on to something.

Other teachers wondered why my class was so quiet and courteous. My response was simple as it was idealistic. “I treat them as they deserve to be treated and expect no less of them”.

What was most remarkable though, was that it wasn’t my class. I was their substitute teacher. The transformation they experienced took place in a two week period. For the two years I subbed, this ritual of establishing respect and mutual worth had the same results–regardless of were it was applied. So-called troubled, hyper, or violent kids all rose to the expectation that they too, were worthy of being addressed and treated with respect. Was I a super teacher or psychological genius? Not by any stretch. I simply worked a principle. That’s the great thing about principles; they work regardless of who uses them. Later in my career, I saw a memorable illustration of the power of positive expectations. It came from the story of a legendary trader with a comic strip name.

The Magic of Many Cows

“Mahana-you-ugly! Get out of that tree!” I was at a leadership development retreat when I heard this line from a campy, dated flick produced by the Mormon Church. The video was titled Johnny Lingo and it was based on a short story of the same name. Despite its unintentional political incorrectness, it was hard to dismiss the invaluable lessons it demonstrated.

Johnny Lingo opens with a boy running across an unnamed Polynesian island to a Hawaii Five-O type soundtrack. He arrives at the village and announces to the kindly white shopkeeper who owns the island’s only store, “He comes, he comes! Johnny Lingo! Johnny Lingo!” The village explodes with excitement.

Johnny Lingo was handsome, young and wealthy, having shrewdly amassed a relative fortune. An outstanding guide, he led customers to prime fishing spots and the best places to get pearls. Known throughout the islands for his skills, intelligence, and savvy, Johnny was also one of the sharpest traders around. He got customers great deals, but always seemed to make the best deals for himself.

Now, the prodigal son had returned…to look for a bride, no less! The local customs demanded dowries for wives. A dowry of two or three cows would net a fair wife and four or five cows would fetch a very nice one. Johnny, everyone knew, would buy the most beautiful woman in the village, because Johnny Lingo could afford a FIVE COW woman!

The village gossip, who happened to be the shopkeeper’s helper, couldn’t wait to tell his boss the latest dirt. “I heard,” he told Mr. Shopkeeper, “That Johnny Lingo is looking for a bargain. I heard he is going to ask for Mahana’s hand in marriage.”

“MAHANA?” Mr. Shopkeeper laughed. “Why, you’d be lucky to get two horns and a tail for that girl!” “Mahana is ugly”

When we first see Mahanawho is high in a tree, hiding behind its huge, tropical leaveswe’re presented with a girl who’s more ordinary than ugly,. Her father, though, saw only a hunched and timid burden, scared of her own shadow. He was afraid he wouldn’t be able to marry her off. His advisor–an old man with outrageous hair–urged him to ask for three cows and hold out for two until he was sure Johnny would pay only one. “I’ll be lucky to get a cow that gives sour milk in trade for her,” her father laments to the elder.

The next morning at the bridal auction Mahana was still sitting in the tree. Johnny Lingo bought her anyway, making island history in the process. “I will pay eight cows for your Mahana,” Johnny tells her father.

“Eight … cows?” the dad asked, flabbergasted.

“Eight cows?” Mr. Shopkeeper gasped in amazement. Eight was unprecedented. “It must be some kind of mistake.” However, true to his word, Johnny delivered the cows himself to seal the deal. Before the wedding, Johnny came to the shop to order a wedding presenta golden, hand-held mirror.

The marriage ceremony was a nightmare for Mahana. All her neighbors showed up to eat free roast pig and tease her. Humiliated, she endured the ordeal with a wilting crown of flowers on her head. While the mocking crowd danced to Johnny’s folly, the new couple quietly retreated to another island. Everyone, including the viewer, is left completely mystified.

One day, several months later, Mr. Shopkeeper went to find Johnny Lingo, who never returned to pick up the costly mirror he’d ordered. Arriving at the hut, he was greeted by Johnny and Mahana. But Mahana had changed. No longer a fretful, depressed girl with mottled hair, she was now a lively, gracious woman, glowing in a tight red dress, a large hibiscus framing her lovely face. Mr. Shopkeeper’s jaw dropped. “What…She’s beautiful!”

Once Mahana was out of earshot, Johnny answered, “I have loved Mahana since we were children.” “She was always beautiful to me.”

The shopkeeper still struggled to understand. “Yes, but how…what did you do?”

Johnny said, “Think about how it must make a girl feel to know her husband paid a very low dowry for her. How must she feel when the other women boast about the high prices their husbands paid for them? It must be embarrassing for her. “This could not happen to my Mahana.”

“I was wrong about you, Johnny”, the shopkeeper confessed. “I thought you paid eight cows to impress your friends, but you wanted to make Mahana happy.”

“More than happy,” Johnny beamed. “I wanted Mahana to be an eight-cow woman.” “Many things can make a woman beautiful, but the thing that matters most is how she views herself.”

“I see,” said the shopkeeper. “In her father’s hut Mahana believed she was worth nothing.”

“Now,” finished a proud Johnny Lingo, “She knows she is worth more than any other woman in the islands.”

The story of Johnny Lingo shows the value you put on others greatly affects the way they value themselves. This really hit home for me a couple of years later.

No Broken Horses

In the course of requesting a job reference, I’d found out that my former supervisor, one Bill W., had recently died. Though I didn’t know him long, I liked Bill. I respected his warm earthiness, his everyman charm. He was a kind, mellow man who handled crisis with an aplomb most can only dream of possessing. He worked hard to stay out of the spotlight, and harder to put others in it.

Our former employer had fired Bill because he was ‘too slow and indecisive’. How was it that a man who’d had two exemplary careers as a fire-jumper and military analyst and had enjoyed a long and successful career at other institutions come to us only to disappoint? Amazingly, his bosses did not ask this question. They found it easier to blame him and his former employers for duplicity. He was gone within months.

There was more to his story than mere incompetence, however. You see, Bill was sick, the kind of sick that affects one’s performance. We had the same doctor who once marveled aloud at how Bill was able to function at all. Bill hesitated sharing his condition because he did not want to be labeled as weak. “They already don’t have faith in me,” he confided.

The reality is that we got what we expected. We assumed that he was looking for a place to ‘go to pasture’ and interviewed him only after all of the ’superior prospects’ didn’t work out. We weren’t ready to look for a better candidate, but unwilling to make the best with the one we selected. We expected a one-cow employee. After thirty years of exemplary service, Bill obliged and turned in a one cow performance.

Fortunately he nailed one last assignmenta return to a former employer that he’d left a dozen years earlier. I inquired about what happened at his final employer. The decisive leader who was described to me was nothing like the broken and disgraced one who left our employ. His colleagues welcomed him with open arms and great anticipation. He contributed as a respected member of their team until his death two years later. What was different? Surely it helped that he addressed his health concerns before he left our cityand what a difference it made! However, something else even more essential was at play. Bill simply rose to the expectations placed on him.

I’m glad to have known Bill and happy he made his transition where he was roundly loved and respected. I believe his return to a place that valued him lengthened his sadly truncated life.

How many times do we miss the opportunity to really see the Bills of our world? How many times do we refuse to ask the right questions, choosing condemnation over compassion? Mark Nepo, in his book, The Exquisite Risk: Daring to Live an Authentic Life, eloquently explains why this happens all too often in our homes, jobs, and communities:

“Folklore has it that if a horse breaks a leg, it must be put down. I’ve discovered that this isn’t true. Oh it’s true that it happens. Breeders shoot horses with broken legs, as if there’s nothing to be done. But now I know they do this for themselves, not wanting to care for a horse that cannot run. In just this way, fearful and selfish people cut the cord to those who are broken, not wanting to sit with a friend who can’t find tomorrow, not wanting to be saddled with someone who will slow them down, not wanting to face what is broken within themselves. In this lies the challenge of compassion. For when we dare to hold those forced to the ground, dare to hold them close, the truth of holding and listening sings and we are carried into the wisdom of broken bones and how things heal. These are the quite braveries we all need: The courage to wait and watch with ALL of who we are…the courage to care for things that are broken… The practice ground for these braveries is always the small things at hand. Somehow, through the practice of doing small things with great love… we learn to be brave.”

A Powerful Principle

As a general rule, people respond according to the value you place on them. This principle isn’t limited to grade-schoolers and Polynesian brides. Think about the value you put on people. Now think about your words and actions. Do your words and actions make others feel they’re worthwhile or worthless? Would those with whom you relate have a better chance of feeling valued if they were in your presence or far away from you? What would happen if you traded negative, judgment-ridden language for a positive and affirming dialect?

Troubled kid? Find and encourage the potential in her. That ‘has been’ at work? Seek insight and guidance from his experience. Your unfulfilling relationship? Remember why you two fell in love in the first place.

We have an incredible power to influence the esteem of others. Your expectations and expressions can make or break spirit; destroy or transform communities. Honor that power by honoring the worth of others. You might end up with a ten-cow life.

David L. Cole is a professional speaker, consultant and writer who shows individuals, organizations, and communities how to achieve excellence. He teaches success principles through keynotes, workshops, and coaching.

Prior to founding his consultancy, Cole enjoyed a 15 year career as an instructor and university administrator.

Cole lives with his two children in his hometown of Miami, Florida. He has a B.A. in English and M.S. in Educational Leadership from Florida International University.

You can find out more about his work at http://DavidLCole.com

You can reach David L. Cole at info@davidlcole.com

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