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How would you like to have a closer relationship with your teen again?

Your ability to communicate effectively with your teen is one of the most precious skills you can develop to achieve this goal.

When we think of communication, we tend to think only of the way we can express ourselves. This is certainly important, but listening is the single most crucial of all communication skills.

As a mother of two teenage boys I know that
it isn’t always easy to communicate well with your teen.

It’s particularly frustrating when they aren’t talking to you. However, when I started applying these techniques to our lives, I found that we started getting along better almost immediately. There was less arguing between us, and our relationship became stronger.

1. Make Your Teen Your Focus

Give your teen your full attention. I know that this is a toughie, because we tend to be so busy. It seems like we are always multi-tasking. However, it is important in clear communicating that you make a point of stopping what you are doing and really listen to your teen (rather than just hearing them).

When you give your teen your undivided attention they will know that you care, because you took the time to listen, and it will increase the chances that they will listen to you.

2. Get the Details

Hear what your teen is really saying! Teens tend to give terse answers to questions, leaving out details that may be important. It’s
up to you to be able to get them to open up and draw them into a conversation.

Here is an example:

Teen: “I hate my teacher!”

Parent: “Oh, you don’t really mean that!”

Teen: “Yes, I do, I double hate him!”

Parent: “Well, I don’t want to hear that kind of talk. I am sure you don’t really hate him!”

Teen: “Yes, I do so, I hate all teachers!”

Parent: “Do you think hating your teachers is going to get you a good mark?”

And on and on the arguing goes….

Here’s an alternative:

Teen: “I hate my teacher!”

Parent: “Wow, you don’t normally hate anybody. What did he do to get you talking like that?”

Teen: “A couple of kids didn’t have their homework finished again today, so he decided to punish all of us by giving us a math test tomorrow!”

Parent: “That doesn’t sound very fair!”

Teen: “No, it isn’t fair at all. I wanted to go over to Rachel’s tonight to hang out and listen to music. Instead I have to study for that stupid test. I am so mad at my teacher! He ruins everything!”

Parent: just listening…….

This teen was able to express herself and felt validated by her parent.

You will notice that the parent didn’t argue about the feelings the teen had. You don’t have to agree with your teen’s feelings; just acknowledge them. There is no such thing as a wrong feeling. We can’t help what our teens may feel, however, we should set limits on behaviors that don’t satisfy what we consider appropriate behavior.

Expressing one’s feelings is a healthy thing; although negative expressions of one’s feelings should be avoided; like screaming or name calling. A good way to avoid this is using ‘time outs’ - wait and continue the conversation when everybody has calmed down.

3. Open-Ended Questions

Questions can be crucial to communicating with your teen. Ask them questions that they can’t just answer with a “yes” or a “no”.

For example in the above scenario the parent could ask the teen, “What could you do to help your teacher change his mind about the test?”
Teen: “I am not sure - this guy is so stubborn!”
Parent: “If you talked to him and came up with better ways for him to deal with the kids that aren’t doing their homework?”
Teen: “Mmhhh, maybe I could give it a try….?”

4. Criticize Behaviors, Not Your Teen

Now, let’s move from the listening to the talking part of communication.
When you want to see a change in your teen’s behavior, use the “when you…I feel…because…I need …” sentence. Using this wording (known as ” I ” message) doesn’t attack your teen’s personality; it merely talks about their action and that you’d like it changed and why.

Here is a scenario you might relate to: The chores haven’t been done and your teen went out instead. This example shows not the best way of communicating by attacking them as a person and making statements you may not stick to anyways.

Parent: “You didn’t do your chores! You are such a lazy slob! You never do your chores and I always have to do them for you. Next time you don’t do them I am going to ground you for a week!
Teen: feeling pretty lousy…

Now here is an example with using the: when you…I feel…because…I need - technique:

Parent: “When you didn’t do your chores before going out, I felt really mad. We had an agreement about chores being done before going out and I need you to do
your part of the chores or I am stuck doing them for you.”
Teen: thinking - “I guess that makes sense.”

Remember when you start a sentence with
“You are such and such”, you aren’t
communicating. You are criticizing!

5. Let the Consequence Fit the Action

A fairly big problem that parents run into is looking for suitable punishment for broken rules. However, the penalty applied usually isn’t related to the teen’s action. As parents, we need to show our teens that each choice they make has consequences.

Parents tend to punish their teens by taking away something the adolescent enjoys; for example, no TV for a week. Take the above example of the unwashed laundry. It would be more beneficial to the development of your teen if you base the penalty on a natural connection between his action and the punishment. A good way of showing the consequences to his action in this instance would be having your teen do your chores as well as his next time, since you had to do his this time. When following this step you are practicing “silent communication” with your teen. Letting your teen experience the natural consequence of his actions speaks louder than any words ever would!
It illustrates to them that they will be held accountable for what they do.

As they grow teens tend to get more privileges from parents. It is important for them to realize that with the extra freedom there is more responsibility that goes along with it.

6. Using Descriptive Praise

We all praise our teen sometimes. We tell them “You are a smart kid” or “You are a good piano player” etc. We mean well, but unfortunately this kind of praise doesn’t get the desired effect of making your teen feel good about himself. Why is that? It is because what we are doing is evaluating their actions. With this type of praise, we
aren’t giving evidence to support our claims, and this makes the praise fall flat, and seem empty and unconvincing.

We need to describe in detail what they are
doing and as your teen recognizes the truth in your words they can then evaluate his actions and credit themselves.

Here is an example (evaluating praise):

Teen: “Hey Ma, I got a 90 on my geometry test!”

Parent: “Fantastic! You are a genius!”

Teen: thinking - “I wish. I only got it ’cause Paul helped me study. He is the genius.”

Descriptive praise:

Teen: “Hey Ma, I got a 90 on my geometry test!”

Parent: “You must be so pleased. You did a lot of studying for that test!”

Teen: thinking - “I can really do geometry when I work at it!”

Describing your teen’s action rather then
evaluating them with an easy “good” or “great” or labeling like “slow learner” or “scatterbrain” isn’t easy to do at first, because we are all unaccustomed to doing it. However, once you get into the habit of looking carefully at your teen’s action and putting it into words what you see, you will do it more and more easily and with growing pleasure.

Adolescents need the kind of emotional
nourishment that will help them become
independent, creative thinkers and doers, so
they aren’t looking to others for approval all
the time. With this sort of praise, teens will trust themselves and they won’t need everybody else’s opinion to tell them how they are doing.

Another challenging problem is when and how we criticize our teens. Instead of pointing out what’s wrong with your teen’s actions, try describing what is right and then what still needs doing.

Example: Teen hasn’t done his laundry yet.

Parent: “How is the laundry coming?

Teen: “I am working on it.”

Parent: “I see that you picked up your clothes in your room and in the family room and put it in the hamper. You are half way there.”

This parent talks with encouragement, acknowledging what has been done so far rather then pointing out what hasn’t been done yet.

“Parents need to fill a child’s bucket of self-esteem so high that the rest of the world can’t poke enough holes in it to drain it dry.”

- Alvin Price

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For more helpful information and examples on good communication with your child I highly recommend the book by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish called: How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen So They Will Talk,
Publisher: Harper, ISBN:0380811960.

Also, in the Fall 2005 a new teen version of the book is scheduled to be published -
“How to Talk so Teens Will Listen” -
ISBN: 0060741252.
Keep your eye out for it!

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This article is about one of the most important mind sets there is - self esteem. This is yet another of those aspects of life we should have been taught more about at school. Poor self-esteem or low self-confidence is one of the biggest obstacles there is to achieving all your goals.

Carol Green, a good looking and apparently confident young woman, recently appeared on the Channel 5 Doctor Doctor program. Her problem, surprisingly, was poor self-esteem or low self-confidence.

Low self-esteem was preventing her from engaging with life. Dr Mark Porter and Dr Linda Popadopolous offered her solutions which could well help not only her but anyone else who lacks self-esteem.

Dr Mark told Carol Green that she seemed quite confident to him and was sitting there on TV in front of a huge audience.

Carol replied: “I appear confident but I am like a little hermit. I don’t actually leave the house.”

Dr Linda told her that her solution was part of the problem

“The more we avoid going out the worse the problem gets. We refuse to challenge the idea that it is not ok to go out. Your security blanket is holding you back.”

Carol explained why she was house bound: “I don’t leave the house because I don’t think I look good enough.”

Dr Linda replied quickly: “There is really no such thing as good enough. There are always some people who like us and some who don’t. People with low esteem are constantly and needlessly worried about what other people think about them.”

Carol was teased by her four elder brothers and took it personally even though she realised that they teased each other as well. She was bullied for most of her school life by having spit wads thrown at her and chairs pulled from under her. The result of all this: “I always felt I was lower than other people.”

If you are bullied at school you can easily think you are not as good as other people and you tend to remember all the negative experiences and forget the positive. Even praise cannot overcome the negative memories.

Carol feels like a fraud when she is praised:

“When people praise me, I think people don’t really know me. They haven’t seen me when I have been shouting at my children.”

People with low self-esteem don’t accept that we can’t be perfect in everything we do and they cannot accept that there are some things they are good at.

They are also tentative about entering conversations because they feel they are not worthy of having their opinions heard even if they know more than most about a subject.

Dr Linda Popadopolous from Canada gave out several suggestions for Carol and anyone who felt like her about how to overcome low self-esteem.

1. We need to be aware that no one is perfect. We are not alone in having imperfections. Perfection does not exist.

2. We need to recognise what we are good at. Carol was a good parent.

3. The best way to boost our confidence is to take risks. You can’t build confidence by doing the same thing over and over again.

4. Don’t compete with others. Women sometimes feel they are in competition with other women about how they look and about how much attention they are getting. Aspire to your own goals and not those of others. Seek to be the best that you can be.

5. Build your pride. Pat yourself on the back. In the UK people don’t like self-praise because they confuse it with arrogance. Arrogance is an unfounded sense of self-esteem. Self-praise which is deserved is different and acceptable.

6. Don’t rely on the approval of others but learn to take compliments.

7. Engage in some activity you think is difficult and that you can’t do like rock climbing and when you succeed, celebrate it.

8. Do something you really love to do. Set goals that you are excited about.

9. Don’t put things off till tomorrow.

10. Do things that give you a sense of mastery or pleasure. Self-esteem is about feeling you can control your life.

One viewer with low self-esteem asked:

“How do you avoid passing on your lack of confidence to your children?”

Dr Mark remembered how the older generations used to give negative feedback. Our parents and grandparents would spend more time telling us we were bad or stupid rather than praising us.

I heard an example of this from Billy Connolly recently. Billy’s dad used to call him “You big Jesse” all the time. This did not mean that Billy was gay but that he was less than macho and could not play football very well: “Big Jesse, look at him.” I’ve left out his dad’s swear words.

Fortunately, Billy did not become repressed as a result of this. Years later, when he was very successful, he was in Hawaii at a restaurant called Jesse’s. His wife took a photo of him in the car park which said ‘Parking for Jesse’s only’. He sent the photo to his father.

Dr Linda suggested: “If your child brings you the picture they have just painted, give specific positive reinforcement about what’s good or bad in the picture but also set boundaries. Teach them to say please or thank you and to go to bed on time. Show them that you love them enough to give them boundaries. Boundaries are very important for a child’s sense of self-esteem.

Another viewer, Sarah from Nottingham, was doing really well by losing weight and going out but her estranged partner rang her up and told her she was a lonely old woman without friends and that no one liked her. She immediately lapsed back into depression and low self-esteem.

Dr Linda told her not to seek the approval of others. Self-esteem comes from within and not from other people. “Your ex-partner has more problems than you.”

Three key lessons strike me as especially important.

Don’t seek the approval of others for your goals or you will end up achieving theirs instead of your own. Don’t expect everyone to like you. Some will and some won’t. Don’t waste time worrying about what other people think about you. Some will like you and some won’t and some may change their minds later!

Challenge yourself by trying to achieve goals which you think you can’t do.

Be willing to risk failure. Achieving any worthwhile goal involves some risk and we will never know how great it feels to achieve a goal unless we take those risks. You may not, of course, achieve your goal but then you may achieve it and life could start to get exciting.

John Watson is an award winning teacher and 5th degree blackbelt martial arts instructor. He has written several ebooks on motivation and success topics. One of these can be found at http://www.motivationtoday.com/36_laws.php

You can also find motivational ebooks by authors like Stuart Goldsmith. Check out http://www.motivationtoday.com/the_midas_method.php

Feel free to reprint this article in its entirety in your ezine or on your site but please include the resource box above

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Research has shown that the present generation of children worldwide is demonstrating more social-emotional challenges (from low self-esteem to depression) than ever before. Families, schools, recreation programs etc. are recognizing that it is critical our children be taught positive values like caring about others and oneself, behaving responsibly, recognizing and managing emotions and developing positive relationships.

Parents can use a variety of tools, such as affirmation cards, to encourage their children to believe in themselves, in their dreams and in their own personal power while also promoting positive values such as honesty, responsibility, compassion and respect. This results in the children, as well as parents, connecting to their true being - their Magnificence within, and the feeling of empowerment to bring about positive changes in themselves, the community and the world.

Research indicates that children who have more positive values, self-esteem, do better in the classroom and are more successful academically. That is why affirmation cards are being used more and more in classrooms around the world. Teachers are using the cards to teach positive values and virtues throughout the curriculum. When children feel good and secure in themselves, they are more willing to work towards reaching their fullest potential. Teachers are also finding that using these in their classrooms has made a positive difference in the relationships amongst peers.

Children who use positive self-talk messages develop respect and confidence for themselves. These positive values help the child faced with a Bully situation. Armed with a positive sense of self, the child is more likely to see the reason for the bullying as outside themselves rather than their fault. The child realizes that the problem is with the bully and so is able to maintain their self worth. They are also more likely to support others that are bullied and not just stand by and watch it happen.

Manifest your Magnificence, a set of 64 affirmation cards, was specifically designed to teach positive values and nurture a child’s self-esteem. The cards are focused on bringing together the child’s mind and heart for in doing so we arm children with the values and virtues that will guide them to becoming more productive, fulfilled and successful adults.

Manifest Your Magnificence cards can be used in many ways to motivate and remind children that they are Magnificent Creations. A card can be pulled in the morning to set an intention for the day and also facilitate discussion at dinner or before bed. Parents and children can also go through the deck and pick out those they know they are, one’s they think they are and one’s they aren’t quite sure they are. This provides great insight into how a child/parent feels about themselves as well as how they feel about their parent/child.

Teachers can use the cards to teach a particular value, e.g. I AM Conscientious; I always do what I know is right. For instance, one class, after discussing how children could be more conscientious during environmental week, decided to go around the school periodically and clean the playground. There are many ideas and examples of how you can use the “Manifest Your Magnificence” cards in schools, recreation programs etc. to explore, unfold, teach and reinforce positive values. For example:

I SET MY INTENTION

Have students pick a card

Have student read what is on card loud and clearly to class

Have student state one way they will demonstrate what is on card today

Give student applause (we all like to be acknowledged)

Before students leave, have them share an example of how they demonstrated value on card.

Give student applause

DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?

Have students pick 5 values (can be any number of values)

Have students write, draw about what they do to show that value. Make sure no one else sees their sheet and that they put their names on the sheet.

Teacher collects the sheets

Teacher picks a sheet and reads what is on it

Students guess who wrote, drew what was on the page

I AM VALUE CHART

Pick a value you want the class to work on for the day/week

Make a chart that graphs the number of times each student demonstrates the value.

Encourage students to be “Value Beacons”, identifying other students who ARE demonstrating the value

I AM THE WORLD!

Pick a value card

Take a walk with students

Explore environment of class, school, home, community, and world

Discuss what students see, experience in the class, their environment, world that demonstrates or doesn’t demonstrate the value chosen

Discuss what values, other than the one chosen, do they see or not see

Have students write a positive I AM statement for themselves, the class, their environment, the world

Post values around room.

Opening words of the United Nations’ Declaration of the Rights of the Child:

“Mankind owes to the Child the Best that it has to give”

So take a positive step forward to helping children connect with their true being and Manifest their Magnificence in the world!

Copyright © September 2004, Magnificent Creations. All Rights Reserved.

About The Author

Susan Howson is the creator of Manifest Your MagnificenceTM, a unique gift set of 64 affirmation cards designed specifically to nurture a child’s self-esteem at home or in the classroom. Beautifully illustrated and written, each affirmation card carries a powerful message that when read repeatedly, connects each child to their true being. An early childhood expert, university professor and certified co-active life coach, she received in 2000 the “Award of Excellence for Humanitarian Effort” for her work in Bosnia. Her website is www.magnificentcreations.com.

susan@magnificentcreations.com

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