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Of the many attributes of personal power, self-esteem has traditionally been considered the most important yet is maybe the least understood. Many people get self-esteem confused with an inflated ego and these are two entirely different beasts. Ego inflation is about a distortion of one’s view of self while self-esteem is one’s valuation of their authentic self. You can see why the former may be easier to achieve than the latter. The fact is that many of us don’t hold ourselves in high regard for a variety of reasons. We think we’re too much of this and not enough of that. We constantly compare our insides to others outsides and we measure ourselves by some imaginary social standard against which we always fall short. With an inflated ego we see ourselves as smarter, better, slicker, prettier, or whatever, than others based on little or no objective data at all in most cases. The most important distinction between ego and esteem is found in what they do for your personal power and your ability to function effectively. Ego is a fleeting thing that distorts our view of ourselves and the world while esteem provides a foundation of power, rooted in genuineness, which translates into an ability to seek out and realize a broad range of life-satisfactions.

Becoming more self-accepting and holding your self in high esteem may be a partial function of the way you think about and value others. In other words, the extent to which you unconditionally value your fellow man with all their flaws and biases is the extent to which you can extend this same acceptance unto yourself. Some writers believe that altruism is a hallmark of the person who possesses healthy self-esteem; this tendency being the manner in which people of high moral development show love and concern to others. Unconditionally valuing oneself and others means that no matter how poor, unsuccessful, weak, sick, unattractive, immoral, or wrong a person is or no matter what group they belong to, you still care about that person’s well-being. Unconditional love means that you care about a person’s health and happiness. Unconditional self-worth reduces anxiety from fears of failure, rejection, illness, and many other sources. Unconditional love of self and others also tends to make a person kinder and more loving toward others. That is probably why research has associated unconditional self-worth as a significant factor of mental health and happiness.

According to some writers, the focus on self-esteem has fallen on hard times due to the problems associated with the self-esteem movement in the 60’s and 70’s, however, self-concept, a more precise and inclusive term, replaces much of what we currently thought possible with self-esteem programs. Self concept is more about a broad-based self appraisal of one’s self and the process of learning to value all of one’s various skills, abilities and appreciating the deficits that need to be addressed. In some formulations, self-concept is at least partially determined by one’s view of their own capabilities and the manner in which these self-beliefs inform the choices each individual makes. When individuals act on these beliefs, they will exercise a measure of control over their thoughts, feelings and actions enhancing self-concept, and self-esteem. In fact, how people behave can often be better predicted by the beliefs they hold about themselves than by their actual abilities. These self-perceptions help determine what individuals do with the knowledge and skills they have. Hence self-esteem as a traditional notion has less importance than self-efficacy and the individual’s drive towards fulfillment of their idealized view of themselves.

What this argues for is an expanded notion of self-esteem, one that encompasses the totality of an individual’s self-valuation and self-appraisal. I believe the concept of self-concept fits those criteria nicely. Self-concept moves the perspective further out from a narrow view of how well someone likes them self and suggests a more mature and realistic self portrait. Still biased of course, but that is the nature of any construct applied to oneself. At any rate, an improved self-concept would imply that one seeks to see him or herself in relation to the outer world but primarily in relation to and congruence with their own values. This would also incorporate ones beliefs about their own abilities, competencies and propensities as well. In light of this understanding then, what are some of the ways one can go about expanding their self concept and, to use the old language, increase their self-esteem? Here is a partial list of suggestions to get started:

1) Of course, like any major challenge, the hardest part is getting started. Most of us need some improvement in our self-concept, but how badly do we want it? Motivation is a key factor here and is the energy which will impel your forward momentum. You will have some measure of your motivation when you encounter your first tasks - are you willing to go through the process of change no matter how badly you want to give up? You may need to establish a couple of cornerstones of self- worth from the outset to support your efforts. Identify a couple of your sterling qualities that others admire and build upon these. Stretch yourself just a little beyond your comfort zone and you are off and running. That’s all change is, one stretch at a time. One minor achievement in getting started will bolster your enthusiasm for this whole endeavor. But don’t take the shortcut and “flee into competency”. That is don’t just focus on the things you already know how to do well. That’s been our refuge in the past and is the way of the ego, not a valuable self-concept.

2) Maintain a positive outlook on the world, toward others and toward yourself. This may sound a bit hackneyed and pass

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One dictionary lists as its first definition of patience this one: the power of suffering with fortitude; uncomplaining endurance of evils or wrongs, as toil, pain, poverty, insult, oppression, calamity, etc. However, I prefer these: the act or power of calmly or contentedly waiting for something due or hoped for; forbearance; and constancy in labor or application; perseverance. These speak more to the application of patience as an attribute of personal power. No doubt patience is not held in the high regard it once was in our fast-paced goal-oriented culture. As Charlotte Gilman said, “There was a time when Patience ceased to be a virtue. It was long ago”. We may have lost a sense of what it means to defer our pleasures and acquisitions. It may even seem that the impatient person is a personality type, a “power” driver, which is a key to success and one that we all should emulate.

Yet, a Chinese proverb suggests: One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life. These are dire warnings to be sure but maybe not so overstated. Most of us taking stock of our lives and looking for new answers to coping and living life in a truly meaningful and powerful way, have likely rejected the traditional paths to “power” and success, and may be willing to reconsider patience as a virtue in light of our past mistakes and experiences. In fact, they are our greatest ally as we strive towards a new relationship with the world and its inhabitants. Helen Keller said that we could never learn to be brave and patient if there were only joy in the world”.

As an attribute of personal power, patience speaks primarily to our psychospiritual orientation. In other words, being patient is primarily about being at peace with the pace and tempo of life. Had we only to worry about our own choices of course, this would be only a minor problem. We also are forced to interact on a daily basis with a wide range of individuals with their own issues and agendas. And then there are world events, the macro effects of many individuals working with or against one another. All of these challenges conspire to make finding peace and serenity a seemingly insurmountable obstacle. Yet people do it all the time, and so can we. We’ve all experienced the pressing urgency of impatience, our need to see our plans unfold as we think they should. When these are frustrated, we predictably respond out of our core emotions - fear and shame. And here is where we lose our power, relinquishing our energies to the insatiable need of our ego for its own gratification - whether venting anger and frustration or invoking a frenzy of activity to ward of guilt. These more or less unconscious drives dominate individuals all the time and we have seem it in our selves as well.

In addition to the usual anger outbursts, a lifestyle of impatience will manifest a whole range of other uncomfortable emotions and experiences. Maybe we have become frustrated or resentful in our seemingly hopeless quest for satisfaction and become a member of the “throw away” generation, discarding relationships, people, jobs, and school whenever things are not working out as quickly as you want them to. Maybe you turn a cold shoulder to the others in your life who want to support you, but whom you offend by accusing them (when change is slow) of “not helping you enough.”, or maybe what others offer does not conform to your immediate goals and we are wiling to sacrifice friendships and relationships prematurely. In this same mindset, it is easy to ignore the positive gains you have made; only concentrating on what has not yet been accomplished. Once you burn yourself out in the pursuit of your goals we often become pessimistic about life, seeing only the “half empty cup” rather than the “half filled cup.” We can become overwhelmed by the looming obstacles and lose hope and motivation to move forward. Wasting energy worrying about how slow things are changing instead of directing that energy toward the changes you desire is the ultimate disempowerment of impatience.

The true “virtue” of patience is to employ it to overcome this self-defeating pattern. Ideally, we’d like to let go of this need for immediate gratification and be able to wait for an expected outcome without experiencing anxiety, tension, or frustration. In this mode we will display tolerance, compassion, understanding, and acceptance toward those around us rather than reacting to them as frustrators of our goals. By the same token, we’ll accept our human frailty in the pursuit of personal, physical, emotional, and spiritual growth and won’t be overwhelmed by the set backs and reversals inevitable in the quest for success and personal growth. Hopefully, we will be able to recapture our belief in the concepts of permanence and commitment and will be more loving and considerate as you handle the growth issues in your committed relationships in marriage, family, career, community, or church. We have achieved some degree of power when we accept that there is no need to rush ourselves or others and making our vision materialize, or even in facing the routine challenges of life.

The changes we’ll need to make to achieve this higher state are cognitive, behavioral and spiritual. Maybe that’s why patience is not easier to attain, it is a complex and multi-dimensional phenomena that takes a concerted effort to integrate changes in all these areas. And sometimes it is hard to make these changes without triggering more impatience - sort of a catch-22 isn’t it? However, we can provide some general guidelines for how to get there:

Develop a measured philosophy of life - that measure should be only one day at a time. Each day is a gift that takes us another step forward, and not always in the direction we have planned. In this context we can begin to reframe our perspective on the past, present, and future, neither dwelling on past mistakes and failings nor worrying about what we will become or how we will act or respond in the future. At the outset, it will be useful to confront your fears about attaining your goal; if our efforts are all fear-driven, we may need to revise goals in light of this awareness. If our general goals are flexible, we can relax a bit more. Begin to live each new day as a fresh start - getting one step closer to our goal assuming more personal power. Accept the reality of our human existence in that we need time, effort, and energy to change and grow.

Be systematic in planning for the changes you want to make. It will help if you break larger goals down into components that are of shorter term duration. These objectives can be more realistically attained in the immediate future. However, do not set a rigid timetable unless you want you feel frustrated all over again. As a matter of fact, account for the “unexpected factor” in you plan. Not only will you experience resistance to altering long standing, habitual ways of acting, reacting, and believing, but the universe cooperates in its own way and seems to have plans for us that we didn’t anticipate. Know that becoming patients means we will have to encounter events and experiences that test this very thing we are working on. These are all our opportunities for growth. Remember that change is a process, not a destination; better learn to enjoy the ride.

Be as realistic as you can about the human environment in which you live. Everyone with whom you come in contact is busy working through their own struggles, weaknesses, setbacks, relapses, crises, and impediments to their personal journey and their own goals. We are all in pursuit of something; there are few so evolved as to be exempt, so our goals and agendas will clash with others. They will be a priority only for us so take this into account when you are pushing in on a door that swings out. Expect that actualization of your long-terms goals is indeed a long-term project, and to the degree you can make your goals congruent with those around you, the more successful you are likely to be. In this context, the worthiness of your goals, in terms of how they will do the greatest good for the greatest number, is a consideration you would do well to internalize.

Modify your psychospiritual perspective to include the divine as a primary support on your journey. A knowledge that we are not in this deal alone, and that all will unfold as it should, can help deepen our respect for the unknown and be more patient. If we understand that we are not god, we can more easily accept, understand, and forgive ourselves for being fragile, imperfect, and weak. This in turn allows us to release the worries, concerns, anxieties, and doubts about attaining our goals and understand that if we are patient, we are much more likely to get the cooperation of the cosmic force for good. Remember that the world was not created in a day, nor were beautiful symphonies, works of art, and literary masterpieces. Our life will be a lifetime creation as well.

As you proceed, you will learn to incorporate patience into your world view. It is the natural and organic attitude that conforms to the reality of nature. Hopefully your deeper commitment to patience will bring you greater joy as you approach your life with less urgency and anxiety. Enjoy the ride and don’t forget to smell the flowers along the way.

Douglas Frans, Ph.D. Has been a mental health practitioner, educator, lecturer and researcher over a 30 year professional career. His primary clinical work has focused on personal empowerment and compulsive disorders including: addiction and eating disorders. He has worked in private practice settings and also directed mental health, addiction and eating disorder recovery programs. He has practiced primarily from a competency-based perspective. Dr. Frans consults and writes about water quality issues and water filtration as well.

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What the heck does “know your presence” mean? Good question! Before I answer, I want to remind you that you are a multidimensional being. You experience life on several dimensions: the physical, mental/emotional and spiritual planes of existence.

The level you are most familiar with is the physical plane. Knowing Your Presence on this level relates to self-esteem. Esteem is defined as “value or worth.” Self-esteem then, relates to the value or worth you give yourself. If you have low self-esteem you are devaluing your worth. You are a container with no bottom. When Spirit pours insight and inspiration on you or opens the door of opportunity for you, you may feel unworthy to receive. You may be incapable of accepting the information or the opportunity given you. Some say our human experience is about giving hands and feet to Spirit. The “Spirit of Life’ is the invisible force that gives us life. Knowing Your Presence requires that you have a level of self-esteem that creates the container to be filled and overflowing with the energy of Spirit. If you are on a spiritual journey, you need to first Know Your Presence on the physical level by raising the level of your self-esteem. Begin to value that you are here, in person, and have a purpose to fulfill.

The next plane is the mental/emotional plane. I put them together because what you think triggers what you feel and what you feel triggers your thoughts. It is impossible to separate them. Knowing Your Presence on this level relates to knowing what you are thinking and feeling. Your thoughts become things. Your thoughts are energized with your feelings as they put your emotions into motion. Therefore it is very important you know what you are thinking and what you are feeling. It is important to know that your thoughts and feelings make a difference in how you experience your world. The next time you find yourself experiencing a “bad” day, pay attention to your thoughts and feelings. Do the same when you find yourself experiencing a “good” day. How is your thinking different? How are your feelings different? When a day begins to turn “bad,” put up the red flag to stop the bad thoughts and feelings and change the day by remembering good feelings and thinking good thoughts. It may take some effort at first but soon, you will become a pro at shifting gears.

The third dimension of life is the Spiritual dimension. This is the dimension that infuses the Spirit of life itself into all of us. Knowing Your Presence on this level relates to knowing that you are connected to a higher energy of Self, with a capital “S.” This is the world within you. You may refer to it as your soul, your essence, your heart. You connect to the world within by making time in your day to close your eyes, be quiet and listen for the “still small voice within.”

Knowing Your Presence on all three levels will help you expand your awareness so that you will Feel Your Power. Feeling Your Power is the next step in this series of inspirational messages which I will share with you next week. Until then, work on staying present with your emotions and recognize when it is time to “change gears.”

Sharon Marquart is a gifted Certified Personal Coach, inspirational speaker and author. For more than 13 years she has share with audiences large and small. http://www.Livingatyes.com She is the author of “Working For God,” “Living With Soulful Purpose,” and “Creating A Wedding Ministry.” Her latest e-book, “9 Steps to a Happier Healthier You” is now available at http://www.livingatyes.com Her coaching practice is Living at YES!(You Embracing Spirit) where she passionately supports clients in identifying mistaken beliefs and self-limiting thoughts. She coaches them in getting unstuck, setting intentions and living possibilities! Sharon teaches via tele-classes and facilitates tele-groups and e-courses. Her coaching clients are nationwide. Sharon is committed to bringing Metaphysical and Spiritual Truths into everyday language and applying them to everyday life experiences.
Sharon is the Director of Spiritual Coaching at the Coaching Academy of North America.

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