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It is unfathomable to most people that the person they are dating or in love with could possibly harm them. More often than not it is friends or family who initially see something. They might tell you that something is ‘not right’ in the relationship. It is estimated that more than 60% of relationships have some form of abuse.

American Institute of Domestic Violence reports:

85-95% of all domestic violence survivors are female

Over 50,000 women are stalked by an intimate partner each year

5.3 million women are abused each year

1,232 women are killed each year by an intimate partner

Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women

Women are more likely to be attacked by someone they know rather than by a stranger

Who is at risk for domestic violence?

Women ages 20 to 34 and increasingly, adolescent girls

Women who abuse alcohol or other drugs or whose partners do

Women who are poor are at greater risk, because they seldom have resources

Battered women increase their risk for murder when they are in the process of escape or are hunted down and murdered after leaving. (New York City Department of Health)
No matter the rate of violence or who initiates the violence, women are 7 to 10 times more likely to be injured in acts of intimate violence than are men. (Bureau of Justice Statistics).

There are common indicators of potential physical abusers. Instead of negating what others tell you and your thoughts, you need to stop and look at your partner’s actions. Answer the following questions about your partner and your relationship.

Are you discouraged or coerced about talking with family, friends or co-workers?

Is he/she jealous of your time, your career, other people in your life?

Does your partner insist on going everywhere with you?

Do you have to discuss activity plans, people you will be with, and why you are going to do something with him/her before you can do them?

Does he/she play mind games?

Is he/she jealous of your success?

Does he/she act negatively to authority figures?

Does he/she believe that the man makes the decisions?

Does he/she call you names?

Does he/she belittle or talk down to you?

Does he/she blame you if something goes awry?

Does he/she negate your opinion, feelings, ideas, etc?

Does he/she get violent when he/she drinks alcohol?

Does he/she come from an abusive or highly dysfunctional home? While not everyone is a potential abuser if they come from an abusive or highly dysfunctional family, there is reason to consider their long-term behavior versus their current ‘win-you-over’ behavior. Signals of an abusive person can be extremely subtle. Such as: Mini-bursts of anger; Frequent swearing; Disregard for other’s rights; Frequent negativity; Mind games; Hostility toward authority; Casting murder and/or abuse asshe/he deserved it.

Does he/she use shame and/or guilt to control a situation or get his/her way?

Does he/she lose his/her temper and throw things, hit objects or abuse animals?

Does he/she down-play any act of aggression as being a minor incident?

Does he/she characterize domestic violence as an exaggeration or myth?

These indicators are more than indicatorsthey are varying degrees of emotional abuse and a precursor to possible physical abuse.

Those who are in an abusive relationship seldom consider they are a part of the equation. In other words it takes two people to create domestic violence. How do you fit the equation? Answer the following questions.

Do you have low self-esteem? People who abuse others seek out people who they deem are easy to control, manipulate and create power-over. Low self-esteem sets the stage.

Did you come from an abusive or highly dysfunctional home? As noted above being from an abusive or highly dysfunctional family does not mean you will attract an abuser, however, the likelihood is significantly high. Growing up in an abusive and/or dysfunctional home fosters the imprint that the highs and lows of abuse is equated to loveafter all the people [your parents], who claimed to love you the most emotionally and physically hurt you. And although you didn’t like it; you then seek out someone who will give you the same ‘kind of love’the kind that hurtsbecause it feels so good between the hurting.

Do you believe in traditional, stereotypical relationship roles?

Do you accept responsibility for disagreements or argumentsother than your own behavior?

Do you accept responsibility for his/her behavior to keep the peace?

Do you walk around on egg shells to keep the peace?

Do you accept the myths about domestic violence?

Do you tell yourself”I can handle it, its not that bad.”

Do you feel guilty if he/she becomes enraged or jealous?

Do you allow yourself to be controlled because you believe the person would not do it if they didn’t love you?

Do you believe jealousy is proof of love?

Do you believe some abuse is par for the course in an intimate relationship?

These indicators are emotional, but keep in mind that emotional abuse precedes physical abuse without fail. The emotional abuse is simply a warning sign and if you heed the warning sign(s) you can protect yourself by avoiding being in the relationship. If you are already in the relationship, because you missed the warning signs (there are warning signs without fail), you will be able to heed them and get out before they escalate to physical abuse.

If you answered ‘yes’ to any of the questions, you are in a relationship that could progress to physical abuse unless there is immediate and effective professional intervention. You both need to seek separate professional guidance. Accepting that you play a part in the abuse equation and take responsibility for your part is the first step to reconciliationeither resolving the issues or parting company. Likewise, the other person needs to recognize that their behavior is not acceptable and you need to accept you will enable him/her to continue to abuse you if you continue to stay in the relationship as is.

Dorothy M. Neddermeyer, PhD, author, international speaker, inspirational leader specializes in: Mind, Body, Spirit healing and Physical/Sexual Abuse Prevention and Recovery. Dr. Neddermeyer empowers people to view life’s challenges as an opportunity for Personal/Professional Growth and Spiritual Awakening. http://www.drdorothy.net

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Many people suffer from a lack of self-confidence; a feeling that spirals into placing ones own self-esteem down a bottomless abyss through the affirmations pulled from any of the following sources: peers, co-workers, family, friends, magazines, TV commercials, and particularly yourself (though the list could be endless). Without realizing it, in a blink you define yourself by other people’s standards of what they feel you are or you should be, forgetting the notion that your life must be lived on your own terms and not those of others. My company, Living by Design, nails the style of life that should be lived head onyour life, your design.

Shakespeare once said all the worlds a stage and we are merely players acting out our part. But, if we are actors with inherited gifts and traits who can alter the course of our own life at any given moment, why is it we do not chose to do so? Are we destined to live a role we know we were inherently not meant to play?

I love the coined phrase “if you could step into someone else’s shoes” Haven’t you been told this more than once? I have! Enough times that, as I leafed through the magazines and saw the beautiful faces and bodies of the models displayed on the pages that I thought to myself “what is the difference between them and me”? I mean really? Absolutely none. Looking at myself in the mirror one night I felt that I had been hit by a lightening bolt that actually preempted me to write this article (note the date here please 10/27/05). Self-confidence, or just plain confidence at any rate, and perception was directly linked to ones imagery or role they chose to play. What if the role I chose to play could be changed at any single moment through real imagery? Not just knowing a goal and wanting the goal, by using imagery and directly taking the role I wish to play and immediately applying it to my life as if I was stepping through a mirror into another “stage” of life that I was truly meant to live.

Let me go on to explain. A person would like to lose weight, look great, get in shape, and be on top of their game. They go to the store and buy Self Magazine or Muscle and Fitness Magazine and peer through the pages in a dream-like state of “I wish I could look like that” or “I could never be like that” followed by grabbing some diet pills off the shelf, getting in their car, driving to McDonalds and ordering fries and a hamburger. Self-defeating from point A to point B.

Take that same scene and alter it a bit. Now you have the magazines, but zero in on a particularly pleasing look you would like to have. Once again, your imagination takes shape and you begin to go through the thought patternsSTOP! This is where the altering moment begins.

To be or not to be, that is the question. To be what you want to be takes being the person you would like to be right then, right there. Consider, for a moment, how a person you would wish to be lives? What food do they eat? What is their lifestyle like? What type of clothes do they where? How do the smile? How do they interact with other people? How to they care for others? What type of home-life do they have? How do they feel about themselves? What do they project to others? What are their beliefs? Now, with all that in mind.imagine and be the person you wish to be. Live this role and don’t apologize for it. McDonalds drive through now becomes a diet coke and a saladfat free dressing please. After work (drinking two bottles of water to keep the body hydrated) you go to the gym of your choice to sign up and ask for a private instructor for a week or two to decide on the best routine for you. The magazines are now part of your journalsyour wealth of knowledge. Once home, you clean the pantry out of all the Little Debbie cakes that are stored up along with all the sugary cereal that is alongside with it. You step into the rolethe role you were meant to live.

Imagery is about you and affects every part of your world; family, community, work-life, home-life, educational, religious, intimate relationships .and range of beliefs and states in areas such as spiritual, financial, physical, and mental. Imagery is not about the past and holds no reference to any past issues or actions. It’s about the here and now and deciding in an instant that you will be the person you wish to be and taking on the role immediately that you are meant to live. No magic tricks hereit’s real, it can happen for youyour life, your stageplay the best role of your life now!

To learn more about imagery and how imagery can work for you, contact Gina Kovacs, owner and director of Living by Design, Life Coaching and Wellness Solutions at 518-373-2815 or 866-205-9917.

Gina Kovacs is a Life Coach, certified through the Coaching Academy of North America, Inc., specializing in the fields of personal, relationship, spiritual, and weight loss coaching. Gina holds a BA in Philosophy from Siena College and is an author and motivational speaker in the field of personal and life coaching. Please logon to http://www.livingalifebydesign.com for more information on how Living by Design can help you.

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