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Many people live their entire lives without getting to the source of what originally caused their feelings of low self-esteem. Because they are unaware of how they can heal their painful past and reframe the circumstances that originally resulted in interpretations of being unworthy, unlovable, or deficient in some way, most people instead often resort to finding ways to distract themselves from the unpleasant sensations that accompany feeling inferior. Instead of effectively silencing the nagging voice of past hurts, they seek out distractions to help them temporarily forget about their lacking confidence and deficient self-image. Five of the more common ways to relieve the pain of low self-esteem and poor self-confidence involve excessive attention to work, food, sports, sex, or even shopping. Like all addictions, they help to distract from but do not resolve the underlying problem and so one is still plagued by feelings that will continually require greater efforts from which to hide.

Workaholism

In our culture, work is usually an acceptable means of diverting our attention. Through hard work, we busy ourselves to the extent that we lack the free time needed to brood over our sorrows. Those who work excessively are often too tired to worry about a lacking social life or the pursuit of fun pastimes that they often likewise believe they do not deserve to experience. Work provides rewards such as money, recognition, and a feeling of accomplishment, all of which help to compensate for feelings of failure in other areas of life.

It’s not that a commitment to work is bad. In fact, it is quite admirable as just one component to a well-balanced life. However, when pursued to excess, it doesn’t allow for the honoring of other equally important elements such as a commitment to family, friends, fun, recreation, personal and spiritual development, etc. An obsession with work can take its toll on health, relationships, and missed opportunities for other equally valuable pursuits.

Moreover, when work is undertaken from the perspective that one is ‘not good enough‘ in one or more aspects of their being, it can’t be fully enjoyed. Feelings of low self confidence and little self-esteem diminish one’s energy by consuming attention that could have been spent more productively in the joyful pursuit of one’s goals, rather than as a distraction from persistent negative self-talk.

Over-Eating

Like working excessively, an obsession with food is often a common escape from feelings of unworthiness. Eating can serve both as a distraction and a way to make ourselves feel better temporarily. We often seek from food the emotional connection that we are lacking in close, intimate relationships. Frequently, food is linked in our minds to happy times with family or friends. Perhaps we experienced food rewards from our parents or authority figures for scholastic or sports accomplishments. For many, food has become synonymous with love. And so in times of stress, fear, and loneliness, many turn to food to fill a void that only love and self-fulfillment can satisfy.

Habitual overeating also results in being out of shape, overweight, and generally unattractive in the paradigm of Western modern-day culture. The more one eats as a substitute for missing self-love and intimacy with others, the more obese he or she is likely to become. This in turn reinforces the feeling that the heavier the person becomes, the less she fits in and the lower her self-esteem and self-confidence plummets. The greater the feelings of loneliness and not fitting in that result, the more she is likely to seek comfort in food (especially the high carbohydrate, high fat, high comfort variety). A vicious cycle is thus set in motion ensuring more weight gain and lower self-esteem.

Sports and Other Physical Outlets

Some people run to overcome feelings of loneliness, boredom, depression or lacking self-worth. Some pump iron, play golf, or work out at the gym while others find their own unique way to divert their focus through exercise, hobbies, or sports. Many would argue that such a diversion is a healthy way to funnel energy into an activity that contributes to good physical health. However, like any obsession, when taken to the extreme for the purpose of diverting attention from issues in need of resolution, it can become an unhealthy means of avoiding areas in serious need of attention.

Sex

An obsession with sex outside of a healthy, loving relationship can likewise become a means of distraction to take the focus away from self-esteem and self-confidence issues. Whether it’s Internet porn sites, an obsession with strip clubs, or the need for frequent casual sexual encounters, all serve as an effort to numb the pain of isolation. Ironically, the greater the obsession to connect with others through meaningless sexual experiences, the greater one’s sense of isolation will likely become.

Shopping

Another common obsession to compensate for a low self-image is shopping. While some find temporary comfort in making themselves feel more attractive by purchasing the latest, most stylish clothes, shoes, accessories, or even cars and other expensive toys if their budget allows (and many times even if it does not!), compulsive shoppers find that the comfort they seek in material items is typically short lived. They often fool themselves into thinking that next new dress, sport coat, outfit or cologne purchase will make the difference they seek in having them feel better about themselves. Sadly, it never does. However, all too often such excessive spending sprees send the shopaholic deeper into debt. This further reinforces or worsens the failure interpretation they already possessed and continues to diminish their self-esteem and confidence level.

There are countless other addictions that people resort to in an effort to find meaning in life when their own self-worth is lacking. Whether it is compulsive gambling, studying, puttering in the yard, decorating the house, or whatever other diversion, those who lack inner peace will not soon find it externally with a focus that seeks to cover up feelings of being unworthy or unlovable.

Thankfully, there IS a way to reclaim one’s self-worth and restore self-esteem to a high level providing internal comfort and fulfillment. For a complete roadmap to reclaiming self-esteem, visit TheSelfEsteemBook.com and discover all details of this strong authentic formula that will assist you in boosting your self-esteem and self-confidence.

Dr. Joe Rubino is an internationally acclaimed life and success coach and the author of 11 best-selling books and audio programs available worldwide in 19 languages. He is the author of the best selling, “The Self-Esteem Book: The Ultimate Guide to Boost the Most Underrated Ingredient for Success and Happiness in Life” which has been called “the most transformational self-help tool available to support people to restore their self-esteem.” To learn more about this life-changing book, to learn more about Dr. Joe Rubino, and to sign up for Dr. Joe’s Rubino’s Ezine, visit: http://www.TheSelfEsteemBook.com

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Sometimes when I refer to the Authentic Self, I receive confused looks. Can you imagine? Authentic is a word which is commonly used to describe an article or concept as genuine. When I talk about the Authentic Self, however, I am referring to who we really are at our core, a unique blend of four equal components: values; passions; talents; skills.

So, this summer plan a road trip. Gas prices don’t matter; you don’t even need a car. But an exploratory attitude is necessary. You’ll be taking a voyage toward this new self, to a state called Authentic. It’s a place where you may not immediately recognize the people and it will take some work to get there. But when you arrive, decisions are easier, success is genuine and your life feels complete.

Let’s begin this journey by looking at a compass designed for our Authentic Self. For easy recall, we’ll still use the standard points: N, S, E, W. This compass serves as a manual for our expedition to Authentic.

N=Notice the Should’s. Should’s and their evil twin, Must, maneuver you away from your Authentic Self. They are danger words. Avoid them at all costs! If you find yourself using should or must in your life, you will be perpetually disappointed in your life. Because by speaking in should and must you measure your life against someone else’s standard. This is a recipe for failure and frustration. Our Authentic Self is measured by our own internal standards.

S=Start with honesty. Do you speak truthfully and behave in a way which illustrates your personal integrity? Are you aware of how your mind speaks to you? When we begin all acts with our honest self facing forward we know that our subsequent thoughts and actions are worth following. Honesty honors your Authentic Self and others, anything else simply does not.

E=Envision your desires and wishes as essential. Think of them as powerful conductors. Desires and wishes are like leafy greens and healthful blueberries to our Authentic Self, essential foods for strong growth. When we accept our desires and wishes as crucial and do some dreaming about what it takes to bring them to fruition, we start the process of their actualization. This actualization is one of the ways that we nourish our Authentic Self.

W=Wander with your values in mind. Ramble along this journey with your 4-6 unique values in the forefront of your mind. They are essential to living your Authentic Self. Values are the reference points that you hold ‘most personally meaningful in your life’. You use them to make decisions, act with confident trust and remind you of your Authentic Self. If you haven’t attended Awaken Your Passion and unearthed your 4-6 values, email me for an activity that can get you jumpstarted on figuring out one of them.

With this compass in mind, you are ready to start your journey toward Authentic. Here’s what you do next:

Plan at least one day (24 consecutive hours-travel not included) where you will be away from your home & office. Make this escape alone. Borrow a friend’s beach house or her apartment while she is away at her beach house. Book yourself into a room at a hotel or retreat center. Many retreat centers are centered around individual time alone. Wherever you go, do not bring anyone with you. Do not spend time on food preparation. Elect to order room service or bring in take-out. If you are a foodie like me, pack some delicacies that you especially love.

Once you have made a date with yourself, plan your time away. Gas up the car in advance. Leave your cell phone in the car. Your family can manage for 24 hours without speaking to you. Keep your laptop at home. Turn off the phones in your new space. If you like colored pens or sharp pencils, bring those. Consider candles, bottles of cream soda, flowers or whatever else you would like to make this new space completely yours. Bring a blank notebook and something to write with. Make this time all about you.
The important thing is to schedule this time and plan for your journey. Next time, we will discuss what we’ll do on our Authentic retreat. Happy trails!

Bonus Challenge:If you are going to try this experiment, let me know I’ll give you a little extra coaching before your retreat and after. And, I’ll also send you a coupon for $50 off Personal Revolution!-A self-esteem retreat for women. Just for being a daring experimenter.

Elizabeth Johnson is a life coach who specializes in women’s empowerment through authentic living. Elizabeth helps women recognize that everything in their life is a choice and by putting themselves first, clarifying their passions and values and by building self-confidence, they can have the life that they want. Her business, E. Johnson & Company offers personal growth workshops & seminars, coaching for individuals and groups, life / work planning services, speaking engagements and facilitated retreats. Subscribe to Elizabeth’s *free* monthly ezine, In The Pink, and receive a *free* copy of her Women & Confidence survey results: http://app.e2ma.net/app/view:Join/signupId:3884/mailingId:8730 To learn more about Elizabeth, please visit http://www.ejohnsonandcompany.com

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Do you work in or own a business that’s affected by seasonal cycles? Do you live in a community whose population changes significantly during the year (e.g., tourist influx, students returning to college)? Do you ever feel stressed out or frustrated by the seemingly constant changes or the extreme highs and lows of your life or your business?

Many people feel that these cyclical changes are just something they have to
tolerate. Never mind that your relationships, physical health, and your sanity can be
stretched to the breaking point during busy seasons. Or that you’re so tired by the
end of busy seasons that you simply don’t have any resources left for anything else.

Cash Flow Can Be a Problem

If you make most of your money in three or four months of the year, how can you
plan your expenses over all twelve months? And if your predictions about what
you’ll make during the busy season are wrongyou can have serious problems.
Wouldn’t it be great to approach a new season with money left in the bank from last
season? By caring about and paying attention to your cash flow, you can stop
worrying about making ends meet during the slower seasons.

Your Personal Relationships May Get Shortchanged

During your time of high activity, you see no one. Your partner, your friends, your
familyall have to live without you for a few months. Well, what if they get used to
doing without you? What if they become so tired of your not being around for them,
that they stop being around for you? It doesn’t take a great deal of time to pay
attention to your personal relationships during your busy season, and it’s an
investment that pays off handsomely.

Your Physical Health May Be at Risk

How many more years can you push yourself to your physical limits in order to meet
the ever-increasing demands of your busy season?

Getting Stuck on the Stress Roller Coaster

Do you love roller coasters? It’s easy to get addicted to the adrenaline rush of the
big hills and the loop-the-loops. Ever been stuck on one, or ride the same one
many times in a day? It’s one of the most boring things ever. The view never
changes, the thrill of the unknown dwindles, and you just can’t wait to get off. The
same thing happens if you find yourself stuck on the roller coaster of seasonal
stresses. Instead of rolling with the ups and downs, you become stressed all the
time. How can you get off the ride? Check out the Ten Ways to Reduce Stress This
Seasonfree!

Seasonal Changes Can Be Isolating

Living with seasonal changes can make you feel unique. Not many people get to live
on Martha’s Vineyard, right? Not many people get to have the summers off,
especially if they’re not teachersaren’t you lucky? Well, the very things that make
your life or your business unique may also make you feel alone. You feel like you
shouldn’t complain because you live in paradise; or because summer vacation is
built into your job. Luckily, there are many ways to find and communicate with
people who are experiencing the same things you are: online communities,
networking meetings, coaching groups. Sharing ideas, stories, and hints for dealing
with seasonal changes can go a long way to helping you feel more connected and
less stressed.

“That’s the Way It Is” Is Not a Valid Argument

Just because you live in a seasonal community, or work in a seasonal business,
doesn’t mean you are required to be miserable during the busy season. Being able
to successfully deal with the stresses of seasonal cycles can have a wide-ranging
impact. If you are happier and more confident, your customers (family, co-workers,
etc.) will be too.

(c)2005 Barbara Bellissimo.

Barbara Bellissimo is a women’s life transformation coach, and author of the book,
“Become Your Own Great and Powerful: A Woman’s Guide to Leading Your Real, Big
Life.”

Visit http://www.seasonsofsuccess.com to get her no-cost special
report–”Turn On Your Power and Lead Your Self to Greatness”–and her easy-to-
use tools and ideas for leading the real, big life you want–right now!

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