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We all want to feel good about ourselves but many of us go about this in the ways that will never create self-esteem.

Do you believe that you will have high self-esteem when:

You make a lot of money?

You achieve a high position in your work?

You have an expensive car or an expensive home?

You are famous?

You find the right relationship?

You receive approval from the important people in your life?

While all of these can result in momentary good feelings, none of them create a deep and abiding sense of self-esteem.

Self-esteem actually has nothing to do with your achievements or with other people. Self-esteem results from two things regarding your inner relationship with yourself:

How you see yourself

How you treat yourself

Richard, a client of mine, is a very successful businessman. He is wealthy, lives is a big house, has expensive cars, a lovely wife and three children. But Richard consulted with me because of his low self-esteem. He was perplexed that he continued to feel so inadequate in spite of all that he had achieved and all that he had.

As we worked together, it became apparent that, no matter what the outer truth was, Richard continued to see himself as the inadequate child his father told him he was. His inner dialogue was often self-critical, just as his father had been with him. And not only did Richard constantly judge himself as his father had judged him, he treated himself as his father had treated him - ignoring his own feelings and needs. As a result, Richard was always looking to others for the attention and approval that he didn’t receive from his father and was not giving to himself. Instead of being a loving parent to the child within him, he was a harsh and inattentive inner parent.

Jackie, another client of mine, is a very successful actress. Yet fame and fortune have not given her self-esteem. No matter how many people tell her how beautiful and talented she is, she still feels inadequate and insecure most of the time. This is because, on the inner level, Jackie is constantly telling herself that she is stupid. “How could I have made that stupid remark!” “How could I have acted so stupid?” Mirroring her mother’s own self-judgments and her judgments toward Jackie, she is constantly putting herself down. Until Jackie learns to see herself through eyes of truth rather than eyes of judgment, she will continue to feel inadequate and insecure.

It might make it easier to see how you create your own high or low self-esteem if you think of your feeling self as a child within. No matter how much you achieve or how much approval you get from others, if you are treating your inner child badly - by ignoring your feelings and judging yourself - you will continue to feel inadequate. If you continue to see yourself through the distorted eyes of your parents, siblings, peers or teachers, and continue to treat yourself the way they treated you or the way they treated themselves, you will continue to have low self-esteem. If you open to seeing the truth of who you really are - a beautiful divine soul who just wants to love - then you will treat yourself as you would treat anyone whom you saw as a beautiful divine soul. When you take loving action in your own behalf, you will feel valued rather than inadequate. Loving actions might include:

Speaking up for yourself with others and telling your truth without blame or judgment in conflict situations.

Taking care of your body through eating well, getting enough exercise, enough sleep, and so on.

Creating a balance between work, rest, play and creative time.

Treating yourself and others with respect and compassion rather than with judgment.

Attending to - rather than ignoring - your own feelings and needs.

Taking the time to pray and meditate.

Choosing to notice your thoughts and practicing inner self-discipline regarding your thoughts.

When taking loving action in your own behalf replaces your inattentive and judgmental behavior toward yourself, you will feel high self-esteem.

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including “Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?” and “Healing Your Aloneness.” She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or email her at margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.

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Of the many attributes of personal power, self-esteem has traditionally been considered the most important yet is maybe the least understood. Many people get self-esteem confused with an inflated ego and these are two entirely different beasts. Ego inflation is about a distortion of one’s view of self while self-esteem is one’s valuation of their authentic self. You can see why the former may be easier to achieve than the latter. The fact is that many of us don’t hold ourselves in high regard for a variety of reasons. We think we’re too much of this and not enough of that. We constantly compare our insides to others outsides and we measure ourselves by some imaginary social standard against which we always fall short. With an inflated ego we see ourselves as smarter, better, slicker, prettier, or whatever, than others based on little or no objective data at all in most cases. The most important distinction between ego and esteem is found in what they do for your personal power and your ability to function effectively. Ego is a fleeting thing that distorts our view of ourselves and the world while esteem provides a foundation of power, rooted in genuineness, which translates into an ability to seek out and realize a broad range of life-satisfactions.

Becoming more self-accepting and holding your self in high esteem may be a partial function of the way you think about and value others. In other words, the extent to which you unconditionally value your fellow man with all their flaws and biases is the extent to which you can extend this same acceptance unto yourself. Some writers believe that altruism is a hallmark of the person who possesses healthy self-esteem; this tendency being the manner in which people of high moral development show love and concern to others. Unconditionally valuing oneself and others means that no matter how poor, unsuccessful, weak, sick, unattractive, immoral, or wrong a person is or no matter what group they belong to, you still care about that person’s well-being. Unconditional love means that you care about a person’s health and happiness. Unconditional self-worth reduces anxiety from fears of failure, rejection, illness, and many other sources. Unconditional love of self and others also tends to make a person kinder and more loving toward others. That is probably why research has associated unconditional self-worth as a significant factor of mental health and happiness.

According to some writers, the focus on self-esteem has fallen on hard times due to the problems associated with the self-esteem movement in the 60’s and 70’s, however, self-concept, a more precise and inclusive term, replaces much of what we currently thought possible with self-esteem programs. Self concept is more about a broad-based self appraisal of one’s self and the process of learning to value all of one’s various skills, abilities and appreciating the deficits that need to be addressed. In some formulations, self-concept is at least partially determined by one’s view of their own capabilities and the manner in which these self-beliefs inform the choices each individual makes. When individuals act on these beliefs, they will exercise a measure of control over their thoughts, feelings and actions enhancing self-concept, and self-esteem. In fact, how people behave can often be better predicted by the beliefs they hold about themselves than by their actual abilities. These self-perceptions help determine what individuals do with the knowledge and skills they have. Hence self-esteem as a traditional notion has less importance than self-efficacy and the individual’s drive towards fulfillment of their idealized view of themselves.

What this argues for is an expanded notion of self-esteem, one that encompasses the totality of an individual’s self-valuation and self-appraisal. I believe the concept of self-concept fits those criteria nicely. Self-concept moves the perspective further out from a narrow view of how well someone likes them self and suggests a more mature and realistic self portrait. Still biased of course, but that is the nature of any construct applied to oneself. At any rate, an improved self-concept would imply that one seeks to see him or herself in relation to the outer world but primarily in relation to and congruence with their own values. This would also incorporate ones beliefs about their own abilities, competencies and propensities as well. In light of this understanding then, what are some of the ways one can go about expanding their self concept and, to use the old language, increase their self-esteem? Here is a partial list of suggestions to get started:

1) Of course, like any major challenge, the hardest part is getting started. Most of us need some improvement in our self-concept, but how badly do we want it? Motivation is a key factor here and is the energy which will impel your forward momentum. You will have some measure of your motivation when you encounter your first tasks - are you willing to go through the process of change no matter how badly you want to give up? You may need to establish a couple of cornerstones of self- worth from the outset to support your efforts. Identify a couple of your sterling qualities that others admire and build upon these. Stretch yourself just a little beyond your comfort zone and you are off and running. That’s all change is, one stretch at a time. One minor achievement in getting started will bolster your enthusiasm for this whole endeavor. But don’t take the shortcut and “flee into competency”. That is don’t just focus on the things you already know how to do well. That’s been our refuge in the past and is the way of the ego, not a valuable self-concept.

2) Maintain a positive outlook on the world, toward others and toward yourself. This may sound a bit hackneyed and pass

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The development of a positive self-concept, or healthy self-esteem, plays a major role in life success and happiness.

Self-esteem is quite simply how we feel about ourselves and our behavior clearly reflects those feelings. The way we talk about ourselves is very important in everything we do. What we think determines how we feel and how we feel determines how we behave.

A strong positive self-concept allows individuals to open themselves to new opportunities and challenges both personally and professionally. People who lack self-esteem are less willing to move from their safety zone and so miss opportunities in life, love, and success.

We can often place the blame for low self-esteem on people in our past such as our parents, teachers, or other important people. However once we reach adulthood then we need to take responsibility for our own self-concept.

In many ways self-esteem is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Those with a positive self-image will constantly reinforce that image with new successes while those with a negative self-image will find new failures to reinforce that image. If your self-esteem needs bolstering then you must find ways to to bolster it.

One way to boost your self-concept is through self-talk. Psychologists have found that negative self-talk is behind depression and anxiety. It is important to emphasize to ourselves both positive self-statements and mental pictures. Do this several times every day until it becomes a habit and you do not need to force yourself to imagine a positive self-concept but instead allow it to become a reality.

A second important step is to decide what you can and cannot control. Change and act on the things that are in your control and release the things that are out of your control. You can control your eating and exercise habits but you cannot change your body type. You can control your personal hygiene and appearance but you cannot control whether others find you attractive. You can control how you feel about yourself but you cannot control how others feel about you.

Third, set up a competition you can win. This means only compete to improve yourself not to beat someone else. Constantly setting meaningful, achievable goals for yourself allows you to keep improving yourself and can also build your self-esteem by reinforcing your achievements.

Fourth, become a positive person. When you ponder a decision or change in your life then think of everything that could go right. Emphasize the positives even when something unexpected occurs. Recognize that mistakes are opportunities to try again. Keep the setback in perspective. Most mistakes are not personal tragedies but rather problems you now have the opportunity to solve. Success is often the tail of a string of failed attempts to get it right.

Finally, accept responsibility for yourself. Finding self-confidence requires accepting responsibility for your own happiness and recognizing that you are a product not only of your genetic code and your environment, but of the choices you make. Release the blame for your past and do not dwell on the others who may have contributed to your low self-esteem. That was yesterday. You and you alone are responsible for the person you will be today and tomorrow.

Building your self-esteem is crucial to your success and happiness. If you follow these five steps then you should be able to give your self-esteem a boost.

Deanna Mascle shares more words of inspiration in her blog Best Inspiration at http://BestInspirationOnline.com.

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