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Many people live their entire lives without getting to the source of what originally caused their feelings of low self-esteem. Because they are unaware of how they can heal their painful past and reframe the circumstances that originally resulted in interpretations of being unworthy, unlovable, or deficient in some way, most people instead often resort to finding ways to distract themselves from the unpleasant sensations that accompany feeling inferior. Instead of effectively silencing the nagging voice of past hurts, they seek out distractions to help them temporarily forget about their lacking confidence and deficient self-image. Five of the more common ways to relieve the pain of low self-esteem and poor self-confidence involve excessive attention to work, food, sports, sex, or even shopping. Like all addictions, they help to distract from but do not resolve the underlying problem and so one is still plagued by feelings that will continually require greater efforts from which to hide.

Workaholism

In our culture, work is usually an acceptable means of diverting our attention. Through hard work, we busy ourselves to the extent that we lack the free time needed to brood over our sorrows. Those who work excessively are often too tired to worry about a lacking social life or the pursuit of fun pastimes that they often likewise believe they do not deserve to experience. Work provides rewards such as money, recognition, and a feeling of accomplishment, all of which help to compensate for feelings of failure in other areas of life.

It’s not that a commitment to work is bad. In fact, it is quite admirable as just one component to a well-balanced life. However, when pursued to excess, it doesn’t allow for the honoring of other equally important elements such as a commitment to family, friends, fun, recreation, personal and spiritual development, etc. An obsession with work can take its toll on health, relationships, and missed opportunities for other equally valuable pursuits.

Moreover, when work is undertaken from the perspective that one is ‘not good enough‘ in one or more aspects of their being, it can’t be fully enjoyed. Feelings of low self confidence and little self-esteem diminish one’s energy by consuming attention that could have been spent more productively in the joyful pursuit of one’s goals, rather than as a distraction from persistent negative self-talk.

Over-Eating

Like working excessively, an obsession with food is often a common escape from feelings of unworthiness. Eating can serve both as a distraction and a way to make ourselves feel better temporarily. We often seek from food the emotional connection that we are lacking in close, intimate relationships. Frequently, food is linked in our minds to happy times with family or friends. Perhaps we experienced food rewards from our parents or authority figures for scholastic or sports accomplishments. For many, food has become synonymous with love. And so in times of stress, fear, and loneliness, many turn to food to fill a void that only love and self-fulfillment can satisfy.

Habitual overeating also results in being out of shape, overweight, and generally unattractive in the paradigm of Western modern-day culture. The more one eats as a substitute for missing self-love and intimacy with others, the more obese he or she is likely to become. This in turn reinforces the feeling that the heavier the person becomes, the less she fits in and the lower her self-esteem and self-confidence plummets. The greater the feelings of loneliness and not fitting in that result, the more she is likely to seek comfort in food (especially the high carbohydrate, high fat, high comfort variety). A vicious cycle is thus set in motion ensuring more weight gain and lower self-esteem.

Sports and Other Physical Outlets

Some people run to overcome feelings of loneliness, boredom, depression or lacking self-worth. Some pump iron, play golf, or work out at the gym while others find their own unique way to divert their focus through exercise, hobbies, or sports. Many would argue that such a diversion is a healthy way to funnel energy into an activity that contributes to good physical health. However, like any obsession, when taken to the extreme for the purpose of diverting attention from issues in need of resolution, it can become an unhealthy means of avoiding areas in serious need of attention.

Sex

An obsession with sex outside of a healthy, loving relationship can likewise become a means of distraction to take the focus away from self-esteem and self-confidence issues. Whether it’s Internet porn sites, an obsession with strip clubs, or the need for frequent casual sexual encounters, all serve as an effort to numb the pain of isolation. Ironically, the greater the obsession to connect with others through meaningless sexual experiences, the greater one’s sense of isolation will likely become.

Shopping

Another common obsession to compensate for a low self-image is shopping. While some find temporary comfort in making themselves feel more attractive by purchasing the latest, most stylish clothes, shoes, accessories, or even cars and other expensive toys if their budget allows (and many times even if it does not!), compulsive shoppers find that the comfort they seek in material items is typically short lived. They often fool themselves into thinking that next new dress, sport coat, outfit or cologne purchase will make the difference they seek in having them feel better about themselves. Sadly, it never does. However, all too often such excessive spending sprees send the shopaholic deeper into debt. This further reinforces or worsens the failure interpretation they already possessed and continues to diminish their self-esteem and confidence level.

There are countless other addictions that people resort to in an effort to find meaning in life when their own self-worth is lacking. Whether it is compulsive gambling, studying, puttering in the yard, decorating the house, or whatever other diversion, those who lack inner peace will not soon find it externally with a focus that seeks to cover up feelings of being unworthy or unlovable.

Thankfully, there IS a way to reclaim one’s self-worth and restore self-esteem to a high level providing internal comfort and fulfillment. For a complete roadmap to reclaiming self-esteem, visit TheSelfEsteemBook.com and discover all details of this strong authentic formula that will assist you in boosting your self-esteem and self-confidence.

Dr. Joe Rubino is an internationally acclaimed life and success coach and the author of 11 best-selling books and audio programs available worldwide in 19 languages. He is the author of the best selling, “The Self-Esteem Book: The Ultimate Guide to Boost the Most Underrated Ingredient for Success and Happiness in Life” which has been called “the most transformational self-help tool available to support people to restore their self-esteem.” To learn more about this life-changing book, to learn more about Dr. Joe Rubino, and to sign up for Dr. Joe’s Rubino’s Ezine, visit: http://www.TheSelfEsteemBook.com

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My dear children, you come from God and belong to God. You have already won a big victory over those false teachers, for the Spirit in you is far stronger than anything in the world. 1 John 4:4 (MSG)

Have you ever gotten down on your self after making a mistake? Have you ever berated yourself after performing poorly at a sport or on your job? This happens to all of us, and the thoughts and emotions that accompany these events are not only normal but they are also truthful and accurate.

Surprised? I will bet you thought I was going to say something like “don’t do that! You’re wrecking your self-esteem” or “Criticizing yourself can only make things worse.” The self-esteem movement of the last thirty years has stunted the growth of our children and many of us. This school of thought would have us believe that we should never criticize or correct our children
for their mistakes. “Everybody’s a winner” is their battle cry. Nevertheless, if everyone is a winner, is not it also true that no one wins. Children (and adults) are smart enough to see through this. Recognizing the emptiness of this kind of platitude is easy.

If you take a math class, and the entire room receives a blanket “A” grade, how can you tell how well you did? How well prepared are you to go practice those new math skills on the job? If you tell your children that every time they play a sport they are always a winner, what do you think is going to happen to them the first time they play without you and suffer a resounding defeat? What skills will they have learned to deal with the defeat and move forward and learn from it?

The crucial difference between worth and esteem is performance. We earn self-esteem by performing well, by experiencing mastery. How could I possibly feel good about a poor performance in a round of golf, in a day at work, or in teaching a class? On the other hand, a job well done feels really good. No one has to tell us we did it well. When we perform poorly, or make mistakes, the truth of the performance prompts us to improve ourselves. How can we possibly be motivated to do better if all we ever hear is “great job, you are a winner?” Although it feels great, we learn very little from our victories. Our mistakes become our greatest teachers. The unpleasant emotions that accompany failure are God-given, natural and healthy emotions that prompt us to learn. Rather than whitewash disappointment or frustration, ask yourself what lessons you can learn from the experience. Also, with your children, let them fully own and accept their emotions and use the occasion as a teaching opportunity to help them find new ways to perform better next time.

Every human being alive has infinite worth. God “breathes ” his spirit into us when we are born. Self-worth is intrinsic; nothing can ever take it away form us. We are all wonderful, delightful and loveable people simply because we are alive. In the eyes of your heavenly Father we have infinite worth. Self-esteem may sag day to day due to poor performance, but we can always improve. The mistake we all make is we judge ourselves to be worthless for making these mistakes, and that can be self-destructive. Some people can even fall into a depression after a poor performance. They are making the mistake of judging their self-worth by their actions, rather than objectively evaluating their performance.

To summarize, self-esteem comes form outside us. Self-worth comes from inside. Self-esteem is based on what we do; self-worth is who we are and no one or nothing can take it away.

http://www.renewingyourmind.us

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David sat in front of me at one of my five-day intensive workshops. A
successful businessman with a wife and two grown children, David
believed that he was not good enough.

“I’m insufficient,” he said. “I’m inadequate.”

I looked at this kind man and felt deep sadness for him. He did not know
who he was.

“Why do you believe that?” I asked.

“I didn’t do well in school, and I’ve made lots of mistakes in my life.”

“So you are basing your worth on your performance, right?”

“Of course.”

David could not conceive of any other way of defining his worth other
than through his performance - which he never saw as good enough.

I asked David to look inside - at the essence of himself - and tell me
what he sees. All he saw was emptiness.

“David, please close your eyes. Now imagine a wonderful being who
loves you very much. Who comes to mind?”

“My grandfather. He died when I was young, but he really loved me.”

“Good. Now imagine that you are seeing yourself through the eyes of
your grandfather. What does your grandfather see when he looks at
you?”

“He sees a bright and creative little boy, who is very kind and caring. A
loving little boy. A little boy who is funny and likes to laugh, and likes to
make other people laugh.”

“Is there anything wrong with this little boy? Anything inadequate or
insufficient?”

“Oh no! He is a wonderful little boy.”

“David, this is who you really are. You are not your performance. Your
performance will come and go and at some point you might retire and
not perform at all. Yet that does not mean that you are, therefore,
worthless. Your worth is in who you are, not in what you do. Your worth
in intrinsic.”

David realized that, because of his highly critical and rejecting parents,
he had always been trying to prove himself and always came up short in
their eyes. As a result of seeing himself as unworthy and inadequate, he
did not treat himself well. He treated himself the way his parents had
treated him - with criticism and neglect. He was always trying to take
care of everyone else, but rarely thought about taking care of himself.
He was constantly abandoning himself emotionally, just as he had been
emotionally abandoned by his parents.

“David, if you chose to see yourself as your grandfather saw you rather
than how your parents saw you, how would you feel about yourself and
how would you treat yourself?”

“I’ve just been thinking about that. I just realized that I treat my dog better
than I treat myself! I would never judge my dog the way I judge myself.”

“So what would you do differently if you saw yourself the way your
grandfather sees you?”

“I would stop judging myself as insufficient and inadequate. I’m a really
good person. I am not at all insufficient or inadequate as a person. And I
choose my friends based on who they are as people - not on their
performance. So I obviously value the very qualities that I possess!”

“What else would you do if you really valued who you are?”

“I would listen to my own feelings and take care of my own needs
instead of taking care of everyone else’s feelings and needs. I would no
longer see it as selfish to take care of myself instead of taking care of
everyone else. I would be at least as attentive to myself as I am to my
dog!”

David was glowing. He was discovering who he really is, not who he
thought he was.

People often think that their worth - who they really are - is based on
looks and performance. Yet these qualities are transitory. What is real
and eternal is who you are in your heart and soul. If you shift your
definition of your worth from outer to inner, you will stop trying to prove
yourself. You will know that you are already a beautiful being, totally
deserving of love.

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight
books, including “Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?” and
“Healing Your Aloneness.” She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner
Bonding healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web si
te for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or email her at margaret@innerbonding.com Phone sessions available.

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