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The Self-Deprecating person uses self-deprecating statements to avoid standing out or to avoid engendering positive recognition. A person, who has high self-esteem make statements that clearly and concisely state their truth. We are all meant to shine; each in our own unique way.

Some people use self-deprecating statements to shrink, so that other people won’t feel insecure around them. Some people self-deprecate so others won’t blame them for being conceited or arrogant or criticize them. Some people put themselves down in the hopes others will build them up. This can be an opportunity for an act of kindness on your part.

True humility is awareness of ones strengths coupled with the awareness that we all have unique gifts. There is a difference between boasting and sharing ones accomplishments with those who will be happy to hear. Strategic self-effacement can be advisable, but not if it is an expression of inferiority feelings.

Stop people from putting themselves down. Every self inflicted put-down statement adds to a person’s lack of belief in him/herself and his/her abilities. Many people who tend to do this need someone else to give them permission to stop doing it.

The following statements are a few examples how you can avoid joining the Self-Deprecator and helping them to stop the put-downs.

S: “I’m not so smart. But if it were me, I think”

R: “You are entitled to state your opinion. Your opinion is as valid as anyone else’s. If your idea is good, that in itself is testimony to your smarts.”

S: “I didn’t do a very good job. But I worked hard on this project.”

R: “If you did your bestthat is what is important. You have a right to tell me that you worked hard on this project without minimizing your performance.”

S: “I never do anything right.”

R: “Never is an absolutethere aren’t any absolutes. It is worthwhile to be more objective about what you do well and what you don’t.”

S: “My memory is like a sieve.”

R: “Fortunately you remember a vast number of things. Every time you remember something, let it register that your brain has a tremendous storage and retrievable system.”

S: “I’m always putting myself down.”

R: “It’s great that you are doing so now. It gives me an opportunity to help you change this pattern/habit.”

Dorothy M. Neddermeyer, PhD, Life Coach, Author, International Speaker, Inspirational Leader empowers people to view life’s challenges as an opportunity for Personal/Professional Growth and Spiritual Awakening. http://www.drdorothy.net

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When communication goes awry, as it sometimes will, we usually blame the listener, because we perceive the listener has the major responsibility in making sure the message is understood. In reality, communication is a 100% responsibility by both the listener and the speaker.

If you, as the speaker want to make sure your message is understood, you need to take full responsibility for using the tools of effective communication.

The four tools for effective communication are:

Establish a Frame of Reference

Ask clarifying questions

Paraphrasing

Listening for the words behind the words (understanding feelings)

Therefore, as the speaker check with your listener to verify that your Frame of Reference is understood. Invite your listener to ask clarifying questions (i.e. When? Where? How? What? Who?). Ask your listener to paraphrase back what he/she has understood you to say. Taking responsibility for your feelings and conveying them with the message will make your communications more meaningful and rewarding. It is also helpful to convey your feelings by using “I” statements. For example: I feel _______when__________. This takes the burden off the listener in reading non-verbal messages. Whether you are the speaker or the listener, it is your responsibility to use the communication tools conscientiously, if the message is important to you.

Communication is a more complicated medium than we perceive it to be. Whether listening, reading, speaking, or writing, we have selective listening (reception) and selective speaking (transmission) processes operating at all times. As you read this article, you are selectively hearing my message and I am selectively sending it based on past experience, needs values, images and the language I use. These can all become barriers to effective communication.

As you listen, you filter information in or out based on your evaluation of what you are hearing and your determination if it has value. “Do I need this? Will it give me what I want? Is it important?” If the answers to these questions are “Yes,” you will make more effort to be sure you have understood. If the answers are “No,” You won’t take as much time and effort. Since these questions are usually asked on an unconscious level, you may often allow past experiences to determine what you listen to in the here and now.

As a speaker, you ask, “Is it important to have my message understood? What will I gain if the listener understands?” The greater your need to have your message understood, the more time you will spend making sure you are heard.

The value you put on the information being conveyed also has a great deal to do with how well you communicate. As a listener, the value you place on the speaker’s information will determine how conscientiously you use good listening skills. If you don’t agree with the basic premise or if you believe it isn’t important, you may begin to evaluate the message before the speaker has finished speaking. You may then begin to daydream or mentally formulate a rebuttal.

As a speaker, the greater the value you put on the information the more time and effort you will spend conveying it. If you want your message to be understood, it is important for you to determine what is of value to the listener and deliver the message based on the listener’s values. When listeners are aware that you place importance on their values, they are usually willing to hear the significance of your message on a cognitive and affective level.

The image that you, as a listener, have of the speaker also determines the level of attention you will give him/her. If you image is one of respect, acceptance, or understanding, you will be more conscientious about making sure the message is heard. If the image is a judgmental oneDoes he know what he is talking about? She/he doesn’t have a PhD, how can she/he know enough to teach me?you will not spend adequate time using effective communication skills.

The same is true if you are the speaker. If your image of the listener is one of respect, understanding, or acceptance, you will spend time making sure the message has been understood. If you lack the self-image and self confidence necessary to convey your message to doctors, lawyer’s or some other group with whom you may feel inadequate, you will fail to use the communication skills and will not communicate in depth or adequately.
These barriers are in operation constantly on the part of both listener and speaker. In order for effective communication to take place, these barriers need to be checked out. If the listener has an unfavorable image of the speaker, the speaker needs to address that issue and resolve it. The speaker can change a perception someone has by clarifying a misunderstood action or reaction and by sending the message in a way that will meet the needs of the listener.

The language you use to convey your message is important, too. Any information can be conveyed in an infinite number of ways. As the speaker, you need to use words the listener will understand. Jargon can be a problem; therefore, avoid using professional argot, regionalisms and ethnocentrisms. You run the risk of losing the listener’s interest. If you are the listener and do not understand the words being used, ask the speaker to explain.

Dorothy M. Neddermeyer, PhD, Author, Life Coach and International Speaker. As an inspirational leader, Dr. Neddermeyer empowers people to view life’s challenges as an opportunity for Personal/Professional Growth and Spiritual Awakening. http://www.drdorothy.net

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A psychologist recently asked her ezine readers the question, “Who, in your life, would really benefit from your forgiveness, if only you could give it?” This question perpetuates the misunderstanding that forgiveness is for the benefit of the other person.

The majority of people have this common misunderstanding about, who forgiveness is for. However, it is shocking to realize a psychologist misunderstands this concept as well.

The fundamental misunderstanding of forgiveness is that we think that forgiveness is something we do for the other person because we are superior to them or self-sacrificing and magnanimous. We believe the other person has done us harm, but, we, being the morally superior one, the more religious one; and, in our magnanimous generosity, forgive them.

Forgiveness is not for the other person, it is for oneself. We can find the truth of this in the meaning of the word ‘resentment.’ Resentment means to feel again. As long as we hold resentment we are feeling that hurt again and again and it keeps us from living, growing and understanding. It puts a damper on our lives. It saps our energy and clouds our perceptions.

The first time somebody hurts you in some manner, it is his/her responsibility/burden, but every time you allow that hurt to come into your soul after that, you bear responsibility/burden for it. Hatred, it has long been said, is a knife one wields by the blade. Forgiveness is something that one does for oneself, a way for one to go on with one’s life, to avoid having that other person’s wrong-doing on your mind, robbing you of energy, robbing you of happiness, and continuing to yield the same amount of hurt over and over again.

All Spiritual practices are unanimous on this concept: The contraction of the heart that comes about because of resentment, of holding grudges, of the inability to let go of a ‘wrong’ is inexplicably painful. And not only that, it is spiritually debilitating, because all of those traits and characteristics and potentials that we have within us that is the business of spirituality to bring forth in us: openness to others; a lack of self-confidence; the ability to reach out, maintaining a connection with ourselves at our deepest level, with other people at their essence, with this wonderful world, all those traits, the best parts of our nature, that spirituality at its best helps us to cultivate; all of those are crippled by resentment.

Another misunderstanding is that forgiveness and reconciliation occur simultaneously. It is wonderful if it does, but forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same. You can forgive someoneyou can let them back into your heart, you can understand that their behavior is not the whole of their personality and their personhood. You can understand what has occurred; you can see the misunderstandings that are there. Forgiveness is truly opening your heart to that person, but not necessarily having them in your life. It doesn’t mean that you have to maintain the relationship. It means that you have healed the hurt they inflicted on you; that it is no longer commandeering your happiness; that you have taken back your power by understanding the flawed humanity of the other person and let them go from your heart and open yourself to wishing them well. If you do not feel safe having them back in your life, you can still forgive them.

Forgiveness is an act of healing your hurt without condoning the unskillful or hurtful acts of other people. In religious counseling, we are taught to ‘turn the other cheek,’ or ‘let a by-gone be a by-gone. The spiritual meaning of ‘turn the other cheek,’ is to recognize the other person’s behavior and avoid reacting in kind. Letting a by-gone be a by-gone means that we ‘let the other person off the hook.’ This, not only, will not work, it causes another layer of harm to the person, who is struggling with the hurt from another person. It is difficult for human beings to forgive if one is allowing themselves to be continually harmed. The task of setting boundaries and stopping the person from hurting you is formidable, but possible. Many people have forgiven and established a friendship with people who have killed or gravely harmed their loved one. This is testimony that forgiveness is a natural part of the human experience if we forgive for ourselves rather than forgiving for the other person.

Forgiveness is a process. It is not an act of will to forgive. Saying, “I forgive you,’ when you have had little time to process the egregious act you experienced is foolhardy and seldom works. Forgiveness is an act of grace after having adequate time to process the experience; not an act of will and it is something each person needs to arrive to in their own time and process. It is unrealistic to expect one to ‘will’ oneself to forgive, but one can be willing to forgive. That is an important distinction. One can be willing to forgive by letting go, allowing the heart time to understand, soften and open again, because keeping the heart closed hurts every aspect of your beingmind, body and spirit.

Last, but not leastI wish you well on your journey to forgiveness to create peace of mind and happiness.

Dorothy M. Neddermeyer, PhD, author, international speaker and inspirational leader specializes in: Mind, Body, Spirit healing and Physical/Sexual Abuse Prevention and Recovery. Dr. Neddermeyer empowers people to view life’s challenges as an opportunity for Personal/Professional Growth and Spiritual Awakening. http://www.drdorothy.net

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